Two Wrongs Do Not Make a Right

Yesterday in church we talked about David and Bathsheba.  As you may or may not know, David saw Bathsheba bathing, desired her, sent for her, had her, she got pregnant, so he brought her husband from the battlefield  front line so he could make it look like he did sleep with her but her husband wouldn't sleep with his wife while his men were out on the battlefield, so David then made it look like her husband was killed at war so he could make her his wife.  To me, the two main sins were selfishness and deceit.   I say selfishness as opposed to lust or adultery because he basically wanted something that wasn't his, he wanted it all.  He already had a million wives, but he wanted that one, the one that belonged to someone else.  Selfishness is something that can sneak up on us.  We have probably all been guilty of it at one time or another and it's something we might not even realize is selfishness.  A mother who makes her kids late to school because she didn't get up earlier or wanted to do a few more dishes before leaving the house, is being selfish because she is making her stuff more important than her kid's stuff and the poor kid is completely helpless.  Or if a man is intent on buying the latest television when he knows something needs to be repaired.  It's also selfishness when we take credit for something someone else did by just saying thank you and not mentioning that someone else played a bigger role.  Once we get it in our head that we want something, it's very difficult to go back.  My thinking is that we should think about what we really want.  Do we want that television or do we want peace and harmony in the home?  Do we want the credit or do we want to feel proud of/good about ourselves.  Do we really want that extra 5 minutes in bed or do we want our child to miss out on an award because he was late one too many times.  Parents are also being selfish when they do not take the time or make the effort to deal with a discipline issue and instead they give in to what the child wanted.  How could that be selfishness?  It's selfishness because the parent is basically being lazy....they are wanting to avoid the conflict at the expense of your child's character.  What?!  Yes...allowing a child to get away with not obeying results in kids who have no respect for authority.  No respect for God, for their parents, or for the law.  So the next time you are tempted to let your kids get away with having ignored you, think about the end result.  Ask yourself if that is, in fact, what you want for your child.   

Deceit was the other thing David did. He tried to cover up his initial act.  I think my son Andrew put it best....two wrongs don't make a right.  We all know how one lie can lead to another and another.  We also need to remember like my other son Matthew once said, "he forgot he could make a U-turn".  We need to be on guard for anything that requires hiding....and we should teach our kids Hint #1:  if we are hiding, it's probably not something we are, or will be proud of in the future. 

Books in the House and Future Education Success

According to this post on Salon, it looks as though there's a correlation between having books in the house as a kid and future education success.


A study recently published in the journal Research in Social Stratification and Mobility found that just having books around the house (the more, the better) is correlated with how many years of schooling a child will complete. The study (authored by M.D.R. Evans, Jonathan Kelley, Joanna Sikorac and Donald J. Treimand) looked at samples from 27 nations, and according to its abstract, found that growing up in a household with 500 or more books is "as great an advantage as having university-educated rather than unschooled parents, and twice the advantage of having a professional rather than an unskilled father." Children with as few as 25 books in the family household completed on average two more years of schooling than children raised in homes without any books.


I don't know about you, but it makes me feel better about all the books in my house.  It seems like we all have our own collection.  For us, it's not just about having access to books, it's more about being surrounded with good memories of something you read, or time that we enjoyed spending together.  Just the other day, I laughed at myself because I bought a copy of "The Little Engine that Could".  It was one  of Joshua's favortie books and I just wanted to have a copy of it in my house.  I can't help but smile when I see it or when I pull it out to share with a child visiting.  

You know how everyone is worried that electronic stuff if taking over...I don't know, but I would find it very hard to believe if a study with e-books and iPads and iPods produced the same results....I could be wrong....but I'll keep our books, especially now that I know they have subliminal messaging.      

Past, Present or Future?

I thought of something last week I would like to share.  

The secret to being happy is being grateful.  My divorce was the worst crisis of my life.  I had grown up going to church, but I had gotten disconnected from God.  So, after the divorce, I turned to God and started to read the Bible…..and every page I turned to, talked about "giving thanks".  I was not in a mood to be giving thanks.  I was very sad and could not believe this was happening to me...my family was being broken.  But everywhere I turned to in the Bible, I came to a place where it talked about giving thanks no matter what.  I was angry, I did not want to give thanks and I did not think there was anything to be giving thanks for.

Finally, I gave in and started thinking about what I could give thanks for.  I started giving thanks for very basic things...we were living in my parents' house in one room and so I was grateful we were warm, grateful my boys were healthy, grateful I had formula and diapers for them, etc.  (my brothers and sister gave me me money for gas, formula and diapers for like 8 months - looking back, it was probably a good thing I didn't have a job because I've always thought that if I did have one, I would have gotten fired because I was in no condition to be working)  Anyway, what I discovered.....was that I could not be depressed while giving thanks. Later,  I remember people wondering how I was handling it so well...I just started looking for things to be grateful for...anything and everything, nothing was too small.  

Well this last week, I was reading something about the fact that our brain cannot be in the present and the past at the same time or in the present and the future at the same time.  If it is in the present, it's in the present, if it's in the past, it's in the past and if it’s in the future, imagining some wonderful vacation, it’s in the future.  It occurred to me that when we say we are grateful, it is in the present tense or when we say “I am grateful for this”.....”I am grateful for that”....same thing.

So....that explains why we can't be depressed at the same time that we're giving thanks!!!!  Isn't that cool?!!!!  I LOVE THAT.

So what does this have to do with parenting?  When I went to college, I met a lot of kids who came from families who had money and I noticed that some were nice and some were not...I came to the conclusion that the nice ones were grateful for what they had and didn't take it for granted....so I decided that I could spoil my boys as long as I taught them to be grateful....and thank God, they are VERY grateful.

Matthew sets a PR - 5:24!! Go Matthew Go!

These last two weeks I been sharing my “affirmations” with my sons and one of them is “I am not afraid”. (It’s basically a list of goals that you want for yourself – how do you want to be?   Kind of like your personal mission statement.)


This morning while Matthew was sitting at the kitchen table eating his breakfast he said “that phrase keeps coming to my mind”.

Then he said, “Do you think God is ever afraid?” I said, “hmmm….I can’t think of a situation….”. He went on with, “well as Christians, I think we’re afraid of gays or people who use drugs or alcohol cuz parents don’t want their kids to get involved with those things…..although people seem more incensed with gays than with drinking…I’m just saying we shouldn’t be afraid”.

He went on to say,”it helps even with little things …..like Vanessa (his girlfriend) is really into pet names especially lately and it occurred to me that I don’t need to be afraid, that’s just who she is…we can’t change people…..me… I wouldn’t use pet names with anyone until they were like my fiancé.”

He went on to say that one reason he did not want to go to the prom was that he knew kids did things he didn’t and he was afraid he would feel uncomfortable. He went on to say, he shouldn’t be afraid, that he knows who he is and what he does and what he doesn’t do and that he shouldn’t be afraid.

Matthew is so right. Right now I’m thinking how could God be afraid? God is love and there is no fear in love.

Three things….as a parent, I’m thinking, “but isn’t there a difference between going because “I am not afraid” vs. not going somewhere because it’s just the wise thing to do, why play with fire? Yes, there is….but at this point in our lives, Matthew turns 18 next week!), I would say building confidence and/or learning to trust himself in different situations is more important.

Second, being afraid that your kids might use drugs or become gay because they have a gay friend is not productive nor does it help in any way shape or form. Especially since fear causes anger.  Anger causes hate, which leads to doing mean things. And mean things do not make you or your family attractive….and since the opposite of “attract” is “repel”, you would in effect be repelling your kids from yourself/family. If you are a Christian your behavior will seem especially incongruent with what you say and kids see right through us, so get your story straight.  

Thirdly, I would go as far as saying that fear is the underling cause of most disease.  It will undermine your life and your health.  Again, fear causes anger.  Anger causes hate.  Hate will consume you with continual suffering. 

Focus instead on making what you have so much more attractive that they won’t feel the need or want to go and experiment.

SHARING IS CARING

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"Just sit here"...said my 16 year old son



Andrew turned 16 at the end of February and is fairly independent when it comes to homework. In fact one of the things he said tonight was “you know….I don’t really remember you ever being on me to do my homework”. I told him it was one of those things that was his responsibilities and that it’s his job to do it and or suffer the consequences.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about.

I was in my bedroom on my laptop editing a one-page letter for my son Matthew when Andrew came and asked, “Are you working?” I told him I was working on Matthew’s letter and he said, “well, come do it over here with us”. A little later, he came in the room and laid down on the floor next to my bed (where I couldn’t see his face) and he said he was losing his integrity. The first thing I wanted to say was “well, it’s those two guys you’ve been hanging around”, but luckily I remembered that if I wanted any kind of chance at influencing him, I needed to try to understand what he was feeling.

So, instead I asked, “What do you mean?” He went on to explain that he was behind with his homework, that he had started cussing with certain friends, and then continued with all I know is that “good guys finish last”. Again, I was like “what do you mean?’ He said, “well, that’s not necessarily my point of view, but it’s what I hear.” “Do you believe that? Is that what you want to be known for? Is that your goal?”, I asked (no….not all in a row!).

We then started talking about the week. Sunday night we staying up really late. Tuesday we went to my nieces birthday party and got home really late and Wednesday, last night, we went out to dinner at Benihana’s to celebrate our last dinner with Joshua, my oldest son who was on leave from the Army. He left today….

This made him realize he was exhausted and that he had not been getting enough sleep. He snuck out of my room without much fanfare and I focused on the letter.

When I was done, I went to the kitchen where they were doing their homework and sat at the table and started flipping through catalogs. There was the occasional “How do you spell _______?” I was impressed that he was doing his list of biology vocabulary words from memory with words like allele, genotype, phenotupe, homozygous, and heterozygous! He finished that, took out another assignment, finished that and before I knew it he had finished three! I then said, “You know what I feel good about…..that you want my presence”. He said, “It helps.” I told him, like I always do, when something hits me like a parenting lesson, “I hope you remember this for when you are a father". Don’t just yell out to your kids to do their homework. Go read a book near them.

Amazing how much our teenage boys want and need us!

SHARING IS CARING

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Do you like this car?

One of things people notice about my sons is that they are very OK with who they are. They don't have to be wearing the latest brands, they prefer to take a lunch which includes "weird" veggie foodt their friends have never heard of, they don't compare themselves, they are more interested in how they measure up against what they set out to do...and most importantly, they almost seem immune to peer pressure.
First of all, I have to give God all the credit because it's an answered prayer for wisdom, understanding and knowledge to be the best mom I could be. You see, that was not my experience growing up. I was always trying to assimilate. But here are two things I remember doing when they were younger.

The other day, I spent the day with my sister-in-law and my niece, who is just about three years old. Something came to mind as we were driving. I remembered that in an attempt to engage my sons as we drove, I would change the station and we would decide if we liked it or not. I would then change it again and ask each one if they liked it. I wanted them to learn it was OK to like a station I didn’t like and for me to like a station they didn’t like. As we drove with my niece, it was fun to asking her if she liked this song or that one. It was cute to watch her sit there and try to decide if she liked it. I also found it amazing how she KNEW what she liked and what she didn’t like.

Earlier this week on a flight home from New Orleans, I met this very nice father of two girls, ages 1 and 6. He was telling me that his 6 year old seemed really preoccupied with pleasing. He said that every time she went to do something she wanted to make sure she was pleasing him or her mother. I told him about the time I asked Matthew if he liked the Scion

We got stuck in traffic behind this Scion. Matthew was 12. It was the first time I had seen this car and we were getting the chance to get a good look. “So Matthew, do you like that car?” I asked. “I don’t know…”, he replied. I got the sense he didn’t want to say because he couldn’t tell if I liked it, so I said, “Oh come on! You gotta know. Do you like it?” “I don’t know….it’s kind of weird.”, he said. “OK, but yes or no.”, I insisted. “Well, yeah….I kind of like it….” he said. “Really!!?? I don’t! I would never buy that car!”, I exclaimed as emphatically as I could. “But OK, why do you like it?” I asked. “Well, I think the boxy design allows you to fit lots of things in there, and all the windows mean you can see everything when you’re inside.”, he said. “Hmmm….those are really good points, but I still don’t like it, but you know what! That’s OK! We don’t have to like the same things….we’re different!”

Other things I remember doing is encouraging them to choose colors and if they wanted to color the sky gray instead of blue, I let them.  I allowed them to be creative when they played.  If they wanted to wear their rain boots when it wasn't raining, I let them.  If they wanted to wear something that didn't match exactly, I let them.  This wasn't easy for me, because like I said, I was always trying to assimilate.  I always stressed how different we were and how we liked different things.  I even told them they were weird, but in a good way! 

I think it also teaches them to trust themselves....to trust their likes and dislikes...which is always part of having a full LoveCup.  Try it...your children will feel special and you will have created a cushion against peer pressure.  They will not feel the need to conform.  They will be OK with being different.

Note: By the way, this same man told me he had gone to Washington DC to present his findings on whether Compassion International had a long term positive impact on the lives of the children. He said it was a resounding yes, that children who had been supported had more years of schooling, more of them had white collar jobs, they waited longer before getting married, etc. So, know your money does have an impact with Compassion International. http://www.compassion.com/

KEEP A GRATITUDE JOURNAL

Keep a gratitude journal.  Decide and commit to keeping it for a week, two weeks, a month, etc.  Then everyday, write 10 things about your children that you are truly thankful for.  In addition, write 10 things in the future you WANT that you are truly thankful for now. FEEL grateful now for the things you want to occur in the future. On each entry, write the date and time of day you wrote it down; you’ll be surprised how it unfolds before your eyes. The journal will help you keep track and look back at results. Trust me, you’ll love the results.  You should be able to cut and paste the following:

YOUR NAME HERE

DATE YOU BEGIN HERE

My Gratitude Journal

Wednesday, March 9, 2011 8:00 A.M.

Things I Am Grateful for Today:
1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Things I am Grateful For In the Future:
1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

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8.

9.

10.