To Believe in Your Children Believe in Yourself

I've been conducting parenting classes for the past 8 years.  Right now I have a class of about 25 parents, who all have teenagers who have gotten in serious trouble.  In the classes, we talk about how to talk so they listen, how to use consequences to stop being the enemy, how to motivate your kids to do their best, etc., etc.  And all that is good, but a couple of years ago, I started noticing that parents had lost hope.  They talked like it was hopeless, like their kids would never change.  I started asking parents if they really believed that.  And how they would feel if someone believed that about them. 

The new topic was Believe in Kids, but.....then I realized we had to go back one step further and help the parents believe in themselves.   Here are the affirmations I share with parents.  Start telling your brain you are an amazing parent; your brain will believe it.  Oh, don't forget to tell your kids they are amazing...they'll believe it too and more importantly, will start acting like it.

Affirmations for Parents



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“did I ever make YOU take out the trash?!”

Several people finished the series of parenting classes yesterday.  One couple had two boys – 9 and 6 years old.  The great thing is that both parents were there (that hardly ever happens).  Last week, they brought both boys to class so I was able to help them brainstorm on a consequence for taking out the trash.

Mom said the problem was the trash...that he kept forgetting to take it out.

Me:  Ok, so your mom says you keep forgetting to take the trash out.   Is that true?

Boy:  Yes.

Me:  Ok, so do you know what trash she's talking about?

Boy:  Yes...all the trash cans in the house..from the bedrooms, the bathroom, and the kitchen.

Me:  And do you know how often she wants it taken out? 

Boy:  Yes...twice a week.

Me:  Ok...so what days do you want to take it out on?

Boy:  How about Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Me:  Are you sure??  That's going to be really hard to remember.....how about if you do it everyday....so you get in the habit of doing it?

Boy:  NO WAY.....

Me:  Ok...let's set a deadline...how about by 8pm....on Tuesday and Saturday/

Boy:  OK.

Me:  Ok, so now let's think of a consequence to help you remember to take it out.  Remember, the consequence is not so that your mom can give you the consequence, it's to help you remember to take the trash out...so it has to be a really bad consequence...something you do NOT want. The goal is for you to remember, not for you to get the consequence. Any ideas?

Boy:  No......

Me:  How about if you forget.... you have to give your mom a 30 minute foot rub on each foot!

Boy:  NO.

Me:  Ok...is there something you really care about?

Boy:  My Kindle.....

Me:  Hmm...what about you have to give it to your mom for 2 days?

Boy:  Ughhh....

Me:  Ok...how about for just one day?

Boy: yYah...that's better...

Me:  I'm not sure that's a great one...how about something else...how about...if your forget to empty the trash cans, you have to wash them.

Boy:  YUCK.............yuck............my dad spits in the trash cans and they're gross!!!

Me:  Hmmmm.....looks like we found the perfect consequence....I don't think that with this consequence you're going to forget....Remember, the goal is for you to remember, not for you to wash out the trash cans.  What do you say?  Deal?

Boy: Deal.

This week, I asked mom how it had gone and she said Great!...with a big smile.  However, after the class, they stayed and asked if they could talk to me.  She shared mother (Grandma) had gotten really angry with her for making her son take out the trash.  Grandma said “did I ever make YOU take out the trash?!”  She said she had to hang up on her mom.......

 

Yes, unfortunately, these are the things we have to work against sometimes.  Boundaries....boundaries...the grandma is overstepping her daughter's boundaries and has probably done so all her life.  Whose kids' are they?

 

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How Can You Say No To This Face?

Some of our kids are endowed with special powers.  Powers of persuasion, powers of influencing, powers to see solutions where seemingly non-existent, and powers of perseverance against all odds.  These are not necessarily bad things.  They can be very useful as adults and are usually possessed by leaders vs. followers.

 However, since we are their parents, it is up to us to help them learn how and when to use these powers.  The bad thing for us is that we get the brunt of their practicing experience and while we certainly don’t want to squelch these characteristics, we want them to understand that sometimes, the answer is “no” or that “no, we are not going to change our mind” or “yes, we are going to go through with the consequence”.     Given their level of expertise in the area of persuasion and/or the level of passion for their desire, this may be easier said than done.

I am here, however, to tell you to let your no be no.  In my case, it was my youngest son, Andrew, who wanted to see how strong I was and/or how strong he was.  Following through on keeping my word, either about what they could or couldn’t do or about consequences was not something that was easy for me or that came naturally.  On some level I knew it was important to follow through, but I remember waffling frequently until one day, my oldest son, Joshua, made the following statement and following conversation ensued.

“Mom, you must really hate Andrew.”

“What?!!  Why would you say that?!  How could you say that?!”

“Well…you let him get away with murder.  You are creating a monster and no one is going to like him.”

I realized then and there that I needed to pay special attention to what I was doing with Andrew, lest I create a monster.  I saw the big picture and realized he was exactly right and that the way I was behaving was in direct opposition to the goal I had in mind for my son Andrew.  It was all the encouragement I needed and I have never forgotten that.

I have now also realized that the consequences of not following through are huge!  Children of parents who do not keep their word become huge risk takers.  Children are very observant and learn quite quickly that their parent(s) has the tendency to “cave in”.  They are also very good at analyzing data and making projections with that data.  They do this to determine what their chances are of getting away with things.  They soon learn that they have say a 50/50 chance or a 70/30 chance or an 80/20 chance. Pretty smart kids we have….aren’t they?!   

One problem with this is that they learn to take risks and as they grow up, these could be life-endangering risks…..besides….they might get caught or they might not get caught.  These risks could range from speeding, to running red lights, to experimenting with drugs/alcohol/sex, stealing, lying, etc., etc. 

Another problem is these children turn into adults that do not trust people.  Like I said these kids are very smart and they figure out that if they can’t trust their parents, they surely can’t trust anyone else.  I’m sure we can all think of scenarios where not trusting people is not conducive to healthy friendships, relationships, marriage, business partnerships, etc.   Not trusting people also results in not asking for help when help is needed. 

Finally, another result of “giving in” is that they do not learn to obey which equals having no respect for authority, (ranging from God to parents to employers) which in turn produces teenagers and/or adults who struggle with responsibility.  

As if all of the above were not bad enough, there is yet another result which I consider extremely sad.  Sad because children whose parents do not follow-up consistently are not motivated.  They are not motivated to try their best – at home, at school, and/or at work.  Why should they bother, if their parents might or might not notice that their homework got done or that the chores got done? 
If you are looking to raise God-fearing kids, kids who respect their parents and kids who are gainfully employed, so I urge you to think about the results of your actions the next time they wear you down and you feel tempted to give in to their persuasive power.  

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That's Mean.....

One of the things I talk about in my parenting seminars are consequences. This is also the thing that most people have difficulty with. Some have difficulty with the concept – it seems mean to them. Some have difficulty thinking of appropriate consequences. Others have difficulty enforcing the consequences.

The other day I ran into this lady who shared how she used consequences very effectively. She said her 16 year old daughter came home with two Ds on her report card and then added nonchalantly that next quarter one of them was going to be an F because she hated that class.

The mom kept her cool and told the daughter to go take a nice long bath so they could both think about this. While the daughter was taking a bath, the mother went in and removed all her clothes from her closet, except one pair of jeans and one t-shirt. She then had a conversation about how it was her job to help her do her best and if she didn’t care about getting good grades, she would care about figuring out how to get her clothes back. The mother explained she could earn them back.

This may seem drastic, but it worked. I have to explain that the reason the mother had to take such drastic measures was that she had not been using consequences. The daughter was used to doing what she wanted and getting away with it. If you use consequences from the time your children are little, you won’t need to do drastic things like this.

So, what does this have to do with the love cup? Well, the mother was able to convey how important it was that her daughter get grades that reflected her abilities. The mother knows the implications of good (or bad) grades over the long run. By not allowing the daughter to get away with doing what she wanted, the mother also conveyed how much she cared about her daughter.

These days, neglect is what kids get from parents who are busy and/or tired all the time. Of the four parenting styles, neglectful parents as compared to authoritarian, permissive and firm and caring parents, have kids with the emptiest love cups.