"bien educado" = well-mannered

In Spanish, when we say a child is well-educated, we say “está bien educado” – what we mean is that child is well-mannered. The Hebrew word for “education” comes from a word that means “to build up” and “to begin.”   So to educate a child is to build up and to begin by laying the groundwork for the future.   In the past, most of the focus has been on building young children’s academic skills in an effort to ensure they are prepared for school.  In recent years, however, a growing body of research has demonstrated a strong link between young children’s social-emotional competence and their cognitive development, language skills, mental health and school success.   So what is this important foundation called social-emotional competence?

All the things that make one truly successful.  A person with an advanced degree, for example, without the following characteristics would not be considered a successful person.  A truly successful individual or one who is “bien educado” is one who has/is:

·        Self-Worth, Self-Respect, Confident, Motivated, Persistent, Hard Working, Positive Mental Attitude

·        Disciplined, Goal Setter, Decisive, Organized, Dependable

·        Humility, Learner

·        Compassionate, Loving, Enthusiastic, Patient, Empathetic

·        Communicator, Good Listener, Able to Resolve Conflicts,

·        Friendly, Good Humor,  

·        Honesty, Integrity, Loyal, Dedicated

The amazing thing is that these are all the things we, parents, can teach our children and which build them up while laying the foundation to ensure they are prepared to succeed in school and in their future career.  A good place to start is by reflecting on these qualities in ourselves because whether we like it or not, the most effective teaching strategy is our example. 

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“did I ever make YOU take out the trash?!”

Several people finished the series of parenting classes yesterday.  One couple had two boys – 9 and 6 years old.  The great thing is that both parents were there (that hardly ever happens).  Last week, they brought both boys to class so I was able to help them brainstorm on a consequence for taking out the trash.

Mom said the problem was the trash...that he kept forgetting to take it out.

Me:  Ok, so your mom says you keep forgetting to take the trash out.   Is that true?

Boy:  Yes.

Me:  Ok, so do you know what trash she's talking about?

Boy:  Yes...all the trash cans in the house..from the bedrooms, the bathroom, and the kitchen.

Me:  And do you know how often she wants it taken out? 

Boy:  Yes...twice a week.

Me:  Ok...so what days do you want to take it out on?

Boy:  How about Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Me:  Are you sure??  That's going to be really hard to remember.....how about if you do it everyday....so you get in the habit of doing it?

Boy:  NO WAY.....

Me:  Ok...let's set a deadline...how about by 8pm....on Tuesday and Saturday/

Boy:  OK.

Me:  Ok, so now let's think of a consequence to help you remember to take it out.  Remember, the consequence is not so that your mom can give you the consequence, it's to help you remember to take the trash out...so it has to be a really bad consequence...something you do NOT want. The goal is for you to remember, not for you to get the consequence. Any ideas?

Boy:  No......

Me:  How about if you forget.... you have to give your mom a 30 minute foot rub on each foot!

Boy:  NO.

Me:  Ok...is there something you really care about?

Boy:  My Kindle.....

Me:  Hmm...what about you have to give it to your mom for 2 days?

Boy:  Ughhh....

Me:  Ok...how about for just one day?

Boy: yYah...that's better...

Me:  I'm not sure that's a great one...how about something else...how about...if your forget to empty the trash cans, you have to wash them.

Boy:  YUCK.............yuck............my dad spits in the trash cans and they're gross!!!

Me:  Hmmmm.....looks like we found the perfect consequence....I don't think that with this consequence you're going to forget....Remember, the goal is for you to remember, not for you to wash out the trash cans.  What do you say?  Deal?

Boy: Deal.

This week, I asked mom how it had gone and she said Great!...with a big smile.  However, after the class, they stayed and asked if they could talk to me.  She shared mother (Grandma) had gotten really angry with her for making her son take out the trash.  Grandma said “did I ever make YOU take out the trash?!”  She said she had to hang up on her mom.......

 

Yes, unfortunately, these are the things we have to work against sometimes.  Boundaries....boundaries...the grandma is overstepping her daughter's boundaries and has probably done so all her life.  Whose kids' are they?

 

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How Can You Say No To This Face?

Some of our kids are endowed with special powers.  Powers of persuasion, powers of influencing, powers to see solutions where seemingly non-existent, and powers of perseverance against all odds.  These are not necessarily bad things.  They can be very useful as adults and are usually possessed by leaders vs. followers.

 However, since we are their parents, it is up to us to help them learn how and when to use these powers.  The bad thing for us is that we get the brunt of their practicing experience and while we certainly don’t want to squelch these characteristics, we want them to understand that sometimes, the answer is “no” or that “no, we are not going to change our mind” or “yes, we are going to go through with the consequence”.     Given their level of expertise in the area of persuasion and/or the level of passion for their desire, this may be easier said than done.

I am here, however, to tell you to let your no be no.  In my case, it was my youngest son, Andrew, who wanted to see how strong I was and/or how strong he was.  Following through on keeping my word, either about what they could or couldn’t do or about consequences was not something that was easy for me or that came naturally.  On some level I knew it was important to follow through, but I remember waffling frequently until one day, my oldest son, Joshua, made the following statement and following conversation ensued.

“Mom, you must really hate Andrew.”

“What?!!  Why would you say that?!  How could you say that?!”

“Well…you let him get away with murder.  You are creating a monster and no one is going to like him.”

I realized then and there that I needed to pay special attention to what I was doing with Andrew, lest I create a monster.  I saw the big picture and realized he was exactly right and that the way I was behaving was in direct opposition to the goal I had in mind for my son Andrew.  It was all the encouragement I needed and I have never forgotten that.

I have now also realized that the consequences of not following through are huge!  Children of parents who do not keep their word become huge risk takers.  Children are very observant and learn quite quickly that their parent(s) has the tendency to “cave in”.  They are also very good at analyzing data and making projections with that data.  They do this to determine what their chances are of getting away with things.  They soon learn that they have say a 50/50 chance or a 70/30 chance or an 80/20 chance. Pretty smart kids we have….aren’t they?!   

One problem with this is that they learn to take risks and as they grow up, these could be life-endangering risks…..besides….they might get caught or they might not get caught.  These risks could range from speeding, to running red lights, to experimenting with drugs/alcohol/sex, stealing, lying, etc., etc. 

Another problem is these children turn into adults that do not trust people.  Like I said these kids are very smart and they figure out that if they can’t trust their parents, they surely can’t trust anyone else.  I’m sure we can all think of scenarios where not trusting people is not conducive to healthy friendships, relationships, marriage, business partnerships, etc.   Not trusting people also results in not asking for help when help is needed. 

Finally, another result of “giving in” is that they do not learn to obey which equals having no respect for authority, (ranging from God to parents to employers) which in turn produces teenagers and/or adults who struggle with responsibility.  

As if all of the above were not bad enough, there is yet another result which I consider extremely sad.  Sad because children whose parents do not follow-up consistently are not motivated.  They are not motivated to try their best – at home, at school, and/or at work.  Why should they bother, if their parents might or might not notice that their homework got done or that the chores got done? 
If you are looking to raise God-fearing kids, kids who respect their parents and kids who are gainfully employed, so I urge you to think about the results of your actions the next time they wear you down and you feel tempted to give in to their persuasive power.  

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The Love Cup is Now Available!

Buy a Love Cup!





Each mug comes with the following insert:


Love is something we all want and need. I like to think we all have a love cup. When it's full, we are kind, considerate, motivated, funny and have enough to share with others. When it's empty we are mean, selfish, rude, not motivated, get angry easily and feel miserable. Our kids are no different. If they toddlers, for example, they throw temper tantrums. I challenge you to see beyond the behavior in your children, spouse, partner, co-workers, parents, friends, etc., and see that the real problem is an empty love cup.


"How's Your Love Cup?" is a tool that can be used to assess how your loved ones are doing/feeling. The first time I used it on my oldest son he was five and his answer was "it's down to here!" while pointing to his ankles - he was not having a good day. I proceeded to say "Oh! well then you need some hugs and kisses!.....now where is it?" "Now it's up to here" and he pointed to his stomach. That meant he still wanted more hugs and kisses. After a few more, I asked again "where is it?" "Up to here", he said with a big grin as he pointed to his neck. Now, my kids use it on me! When I'm not being nice (which has been known to happen on rare occasions), they'll say "Mom, your love cup must be empty!" and they'll proceed to ask if I need a hug. So, go ahead and use this mug to remind you to check how your loved ones are doing. By the way, in my opinion, this is the solution to bad grades.

Feel free to share your success stories with me at: howsyourlovecup@comcast.net


Everyone who has tried it says it works like magic on both adults and kids alike.

Each mug is $9.95 + S&H

To order, email your request to: howsyourlovecup@comcast.net

Please include the quantity, your name, mailing address and email.

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Note: All proceeds will go to a charitable cause. The current cause is building wells in Mozambique in June 2009.

Thank you for sharing my vision to make this world a better place - both in your sphere of influence and across the world!

First time blogger...yeh! I did it - was a bit nervous about doing this, but here it is! I am first and formost a mom - I do a lot of other things, but I like to think my kids come first.

So, the goal of my blog is to share ways that I've filled my children's love cup, share how they fill mine (i.e., brag about my kids) and to hear how you have used this idea of filling someone's love cup to make this world a better place.

How's Your Love Cup? What! What do you mean how's my love cup? OK, let me explain. We all have a love cup and when it's full, life is good. We're motivated, we're excited about tomorrow, we do our best, we have peace, we smile, we're nice, we share.

When it's empty, we're not so happy or fun to be around. We're not motivated, we do the absolute minimum, we might feel jealous, we're rude, we're inpatient, and we might even be critical of others or throw temper tantrums. (I know, I know, this doesn't happen too often, and not to us.)

My oldest son was 5 years old when I first explained this to him. I then asked him, "So, how's your love cup?" He bent down, touched his ankle and said, "down to here...". I picked him up and told him his love cup was empty and it needed filling up with hugs and kisses. After about a minute, I asked again and with a mischievious look, he pointed to his stomach and said, "now it's to here". I told him it was still too low, that it needed to be filled up more. After about another minute, I asked again and this time it was up to his neck.

I point out the 1 minute, because that is literally how long it takes. 1-2 minutes and you're looking at someone with a full love cup. Many times, we or our children are running around on empty and we don't even know what's wrong. And as know, children, and we (although we would never admit it) will do whatever it takes to get our attention (attention = love in their mind). When they are 2 or 3 years olds, this happens most often in the form of a temper tantrum. My challenge to you is to be remembered for filling their love cup, not for emptying it. Pick that kid up and start hugging and kissing them and tell them you're filling their love cup, that you hadn't realized it was empty! They will love it, you will love it and you'll see it's like magic.