“did I ever make YOU take out the trash?!”

Several people finished the series of parenting classes yesterday.  One couple had two boys – 9 and 6 years old.  The great thing is that both parents were there (that hardly ever happens).  Last week, they brought both boys to class so I was able to help them brainstorm on a consequence for taking out the trash.

Mom said the problem was the trash...that he kept forgetting to take it out.

Me:  Ok, so your mom says you keep forgetting to take the trash out.   Is that true?

Boy:  Yes.

Me:  Ok, so do you know what trash she's talking about?

Boy:  Yes...all the trash cans in the house..from the bedrooms, the bathroom, and the kitchen.

Me:  And do you know how often she wants it taken out? 

Boy:  Yes...twice a week.

Me:  Ok...so what days do you want to take it out on?

Boy:  How about Tuesdays and Saturdays.

Me:  Are you sure??  That's going to be really hard to remember.....how about if you do it everyday....so you get in the habit of doing it?

Boy:  NO WAY.....

Me:  Ok...let's set a deadline...how about by 8pm....on Tuesday and Saturday/

Boy:  OK.

Me:  Ok, so now let's think of a consequence to help you remember to take it out.  Remember, the consequence is not so that your mom can give you the consequence, it's to help you remember to take the trash out...so it has to be a really bad consequence...something you do NOT want. The goal is for you to remember, not for you to get the consequence. Any ideas?

Boy:  No......

Me:  How about if you forget.... you have to give your mom a 30 minute foot rub on each foot!

Boy:  NO.

Me:  Ok...is there something you really care about?

Boy:  My Kindle.....

Me:  Hmm...what about you have to give it to your mom for 2 days?

Boy:  Ughhh....

Me:  Ok...how about for just one day?

Boy: yYah...that's better...

Me:  I'm not sure that's a great one...how about something else...how about...if your forget to empty the trash cans, you have to wash them.

Boy:  YUCK.............yuck............my dad spits in the trash cans and they're gross!!!

Me:  Hmmmm.....looks like we found the perfect consequence....I don't think that with this consequence you're going to forget....Remember, the goal is for you to remember, not for you to wash out the trash cans.  What do you say?  Deal?

Boy: Deal.

This week, I asked mom how it had gone and she said Great!...with a big smile.  However, after the class, they stayed and asked if they could talk to me.  She shared mother (Grandma) had gotten really angry with her for making her son take out the trash.  Grandma said “did I ever make YOU take out the trash?!”  She said she had to hang up on her mom.......

 

Yes, unfortunately, these are the things we have to work against sometimes.  Boundaries....boundaries...the grandma is overstepping her daughter's boundaries and has probably done so all her life.  Whose kids' are they?

 

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