"Just sit here"...said my 16 year old son



Andrew turned 16 at the end of February and is fairly independent when it comes to homework. In fact one of the things he said tonight was “you know….I don’t really remember you ever being on me to do my homework”. I told him it was one of those things that was his responsibilities and that it’s his job to do it and or suffer the consequences.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about.

I was in my bedroom on my laptop editing a one-page letter for my son Matthew when Andrew came and asked, “Are you working?” I told him I was working on Matthew’s letter and he said, “well, come do it over here with us”. A little later, he came in the room and laid down on the floor next to my bed (where I couldn’t see his face) and he said he was losing his integrity. The first thing I wanted to say was “well, it’s those two guys you’ve been hanging around”, but luckily I remembered that if I wanted any kind of chance at influencing him, I needed to try to understand what he was feeling.

So, instead I asked, “What do you mean?” He went on to explain that he was behind with his homework, that he had started cussing with certain friends, and then continued with all I know is that “good guys finish last”. Again, I was like “what do you mean?’ He said, “well, that’s not necessarily my point of view, but it’s what I hear.” “Do you believe that? Is that what you want to be known for? Is that your goal?”, I asked (no….not all in a row!).

We then started talking about the week. Sunday night we staying up really late. Tuesday we went to my nieces birthday party and got home really late and Wednesday, last night, we went out to dinner at Benihana’s to celebrate our last dinner with Joshua, my oldest son who was on leave from the Army. He left today….

This made him realize he was exhausted and that he had not been getting enough sleep. He snuck out of my room without much fanfare and I focused on the letter.

When I was done, I went to the kitchen where they were doing their homework and sat at the table and started flipping through catalogs. There was the occasional “How do you spell _______?” I was impressed that he was doing his list of biology vocabulary words from memory with words like allele, genotype, phenotupe, homozygous, and heterozygous! He finished that, took out another assignment, finished that and before I knew it he had finished three! I then said, “You know what I feel good about…..that you want my presence”. He said, “It helps.” I told him, like I always do, when something hits me like a parenting lesson, “I hope you remember this for when you are a father". Don’t just yell out to your kids to do their homework. Go read a book near them.

Amazing how much our teenage boys want and need us!

SHARING IS CARING

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Do you like this car?

One of things people notice about my sons is that they are very OK with who they are. They don't have to be wearing the latest brands, they prefer to take a lunch which includes "weird" veggie foodt their friends have never heard of, they don't compare themselves, they are more interested in how they measure up against what they set out to do...and most importantly, they almost seem immune to peer pressure.
First of all, I have to give God all the credit because it's an answered prayer for wisdom, understanding and knowledge to be the best mom I could be. You see, that was not my experience growing up. I was always trying to assimilate. But here are two things I remember doing when they were younger.

The other day, I spent the day with my sister-in-law and my niece, who is just about three years old. Something came to mind as we were driving. I remembered that in an attempt to engage my sons as we drove, I would change the station and we would decide if we liked it or not. I would then change it again and ask each one if they liked it. I wanted them to learn it was OK to like a station I didn’t like and for me to like a station they didn’t like. As we drove with my niece, it was fun to asking her if she liked this song or that one. It was cute to watch her sit there and try to decide if she liked it. I also found it amazing how she KNEW what she liked and what she didn’t like.

Earlier this week on a flight home from New Orleans, I met this very nice father of two girls, ages 1 and 6. He was telling me that his 6 year old seemed really preoccupied with pleasing. He said that every time she went to do something she wanted to make sure she was pleasing him or her mother. I told him about the time I asked Matthew if he liked the Scion

We got stuck in traffic behind this Scion. Matthew was 12. It was the first time I had seen this car and we were getting the chance to get a good look. “So Matthew, do you like that car?” I asked. “I don’t know…”, he replied. I got the sense he didn’t want to say because he couldn’t tell if I liked it, so I said, “Oh come on! You gotta know. Do you like it?” “I don’t know….it’s kind of weird.”, he said. “OK, but yes or no.”, I insisted. “Well, yeah….I kind of like it….” he said. “Really!!?? I don’t! I would never buy that car!”, I exclaimed as emphatically as I could. “But OK, why do you like it?” I asked. “Well, I think the boxy design allows you to fit lots of things in there, and all the windows mean you can see everything when you’re inside.”, he said. “Hmmm….those are really good points, but I still don’t like it, but you know what! That’s OK! We don’t have to like the same things….we’re different!”

Other things I remember doing is encouraging them to choose colors and if they wanted to color the sky gray instead of blue, I let them.  I allowed them to be creative when they played.  If they wanted to wear their rain boots when it wasn't raining, I let them.  If they wanted to wear something that didn't match exactly, I let them.  This wasn't easy for me, because like I said, I was always trying to assimilate.  I always stressed how different we were and how we liked different things.  I even told them they were weird, but in a good way! 

I think it also teaches them to trust themselves....to trust their likes and dislikes...which is always part of having a full LoveCup.  Try it...your children will feel special and you will have created a cushion against peer pressure.  They will not feel the need to conform.  They will be OK with being different.

Note: By the way, this same man told me he had gone to Washington DC to present his findings on whether Compassion International had a long term positive impact on the lives of the children. He said it was a resounding yes, that children who had been supported had more years of schooling, more of them had white collar jobs, they waited longer before getting married, etc. So, know your money does have an impact with Compassion International. http://www.compassion.com/

KEEP A GRATITUDE JOURNAL

Keep a gratitude journal.  Decide and commit to keeping it for a week, two weeks, a month, etc.  Then everyday, write 10 things about your children that you are truly thankful for.  In addition, write 10 things in the future you WANT that you are truly thankful for now. FEEL grateful now for the things you want to occur in the future. On each entry, write the date and time of day you wrote it down; you’ll be surprised how it unfolds before your eyes. The journal will help you keep track and look back at results. Trust me, you’ll love the results.  You should be able to cut and paste the following:

YOUR NAME HERE

DATE YOU BEGIN HERE

My Gratitude Journal

Wednesday, March 9, 2011 8:00 A.M.

Things I Am Grateful for Today:
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Things I am Grateful For In the Future:
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