Do you like this car?

One of things people notice about my sons is that they are very OK with who they are. They don't have to be wearing the latest brands, they prefer to take a lunch which includes "weird" veggie foodt their friends have never heard of, they don't compare themselves, they are more interested in how they measure up against what they set out to do...and most importantly, they almost seem immune to peer pressure.
First of all, I have to give God all the credit because it's an answered prayer for wisdom, understanding and knowledge to be the best mom I could be. You see, that was not my experience growing up. I was always trying to assimilate. But here are two things I remember doing when they were younger.

The other day, I spent the day with my sister-in-law and my niece, who is just about three years old. Something came to mind as we were driving. I remembered that in an attempt to engage my sons as we drove, I would change the station and we would decide if we liked it or not. I would then change it again and ask each one if they liked it. I wanted them to learn it was OK to like a station I didn’t like and for me to like a station they didn’t like. As we drove with my niece, it was fun to asking her if she liked this song or that one. It was cute to watch her sit there and try to decide if she liked it. I also found it amazing how she KNEW what she liked and what she didn’t like.

Earlier this week on a flight home from New Orleans, I met this very nice father of two girls, ages 1 and 6. He was telling me that his 6 year old seemed really preoccupied with pleasing. He said that every time she went to do something she wanted to make sure she was pleasing him or her mother. I told him about the time I asked Matthew if he liked the Scion

We got stuck in traffic behind this Scion. Matthew was 12. It was the first time I had seen this car and we were getting the chance to get a good look. “So Matthew, do you like that car?” I asked. “I don’t know…”, he replied. I got the sense he didn’t want to say because he couldn’t tell if I liked it, so I said, “Oh come on! You gotta know. Do you like it?” “I don’t know….it’s kind of weird.”, he said. “OK, but yes or no.”, I insisted. “Well, yeah….I kind of like it….” he said. “Really!!?? I don’t! I would never buy that car!”, I exclaimed as emphatically as I could. “But OK, why do you like it?” I asked. “Well, I think the boxy design allows you to fit lots of things in there, and all the windows mean you can see everything when you’re inside.”, he said. “Hmmm….those are really good points, but I still don’t like it, but you know what! That’s OK! We don’t have to like the same things….we’re different!”

Other things I remember doing is encouraging them to choose colors and if they wanted to color the sky gray instead of blue, I let them.  I allowed them to be creative when they played.  If they wanted to wear their rain boots when it wasn't raining, I let them.  If they wanted to wear something that didn't match exactly, I let them.  This wasn't easy for me, because like I said, I was always trying to assimilate.  I always stressed how different we were and how we liked different things.  I even told them they were weird, but in a good way! 

I think it also teaches them to trust themselves....to trust their likes and dislikes...which is always part of having a full LoveCup.  Try it...your children will feel special and you will have created a cushion against peer pressure.  They will not feel the need to conform.  They will be OK with being different.

Note: By the way, this same man told me he had gone to Washington DC to present his findings on whether Compassion International had a long term positive impact on the lives of the children. He said it was a resounding yes, that children who had been supported had more years of schooling, more of them had white collar jobs, they waited longer before getting married, etc. So, know your money does have an impact with Compassion International. http://www.compassion.com/

KEEP A GRATITUDE JOURNAL

Keep a gratitude journal.  Decide and commit to keeping it for a week, two weeks, a month, etc.  Then everyday, write 10 things about your children that you are truly thankful for.  In addition, write 10 things in the future you WANT that you are truly thankful for now. FEEL grateful now for the things you want to occur in the future. On each entry, write the date and time of day you wrote it down; you’ll be surprised how it unfolds before your eyes. The journal will help you keep track and look back at results. Trust me, you’ll love the results.  You should be able to cut and paste the following:

YOUR NAME HERE

DATE YOU BEGIN HERE

My Gratitude Journal

Wednesday, March 9, 2011 8:00 A.M.

Things I Am Grateful for Today:
1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Things I am Grateful For In the Future:
1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

The Two Pots (Author Unknown)

A Water Bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years, this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes my water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, we would not have such beauty."


Each of us has our own unique flaw. Accept yourself with your all your flaws and accept your children with their flaws.  In fact, let's learn to love our flaws.  I don't know about you, but I would rather be the cracked pot  who watered all those seeds!  

SHARING IS CARING

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I WANT TO! / I GET TO! / I CHOOSE TO

My sons have been a continual source of lessons for me.  The other day, Matthew surprised me by something he said.  We were in the middle of a movie when the clock struck 9:00pm.  He got up, almost abruptly, and said “I get to go to bed now!” 

I’ve always been the type of person who likes to stay up.  I enjoy that quiet time, but I also now know that staying up is not a healthy habit.  And if I think about it, I’m not at my peak…how could I be?   I’m tired.  The next day we talked about what he said and he said that for him it’s not about having to go to bed.  He said he looks at going to bed as one of the things he gets to do after a long day.  He gets to rest! 

This made me think about some of the self improvement things we’ve all read or heard like:

I “want to” do something vs. I “must do” something

I “get to” do something vs. I “should do” something

I “choose to” do something vs.  I “have to” do something

Let’s think about why or how this would help us and/or our children.  The first thing that jumps out at me is how positive the statements on the left are!  

I believe the statements on the right are responsible for a majority of the procrastination we do.  The statements on the left implicitly remind you of the goal. Simply saying the words “want to” may in turn be a reminder to you that in doing this you will achieve a higher goal 9e.g., if I got to sleep early then I will be able to be at my peak the next day.  And as we’ve all heard, words are powerful and just saying you want to do something is a self-fulfilling prophecy.    “I get to do something” instantly makes it seem like you are rewarding yourself.   It reminds you of the blessing of being able to do that which you “get to” do, like just walking as your form of exercise.  In my mind I “choose to” appeals to our sense of independence.  We’re not doing it because someone is telling us to do something, we don’t feel forced to, we are choosing between two options.  I think people want to do the right thing, including our children.   

My main point is that if this negative phrasing/language is destructive and keeps us from accomplishing our goals, let’s give our children a head start and train them to eliminate this type of language now. 

Also, the wonderful thing about teaching children something is that they do not let you forget and later they’re teaching you the same thing!!!  

Games People Play

When was the last time you played a game with your children?  Who has time to play games when there are always dishes to be done, or laundry to be done or if you are just plain exhausted after a long day of work?  Besides, games are for kids who don’t have anything better to do; it’s a waste of time.

I don’t know if it’s because my parents never sat down to play a game with us, but I made a decision a long time ago to play games with my sons.  I became a single mom of three boys when they were 2, 4 and 12 which has meant playing everything from board games to dodge ball, to Sega, to arcade games to riding go carts.  (A lot of people I know would probably find it very difficult to believe that I do/have done all that with my sons.)  No, a lot of those activities are not my activities of choice, but I decided having fun together was something I wanted to make sure we did together.  I also realized that playing provided a lot of opportunities to teach them things and it was an easy (and cheap) way of giving them the one thing they wanted the most – my undivided attention…my time. 

My two youngest sons are now in high school and to my great surprise they started a board game club at the beginning of this school year.  When I asked them why they wanted to do that I was blown away by their answers which included: 1) we want to play the games we love – we have all these games but don’t get to play them very often, 2) playing board games gives us a chance to talk to each other – “kids mostly play video games cuz they are lonely”, 3) We want to have a club that doesn’t stress you out if you can’t make it one day – if you miss a day, it doesn’t matter,  and 4) we want to teach others how to play some of the games we know how to play – they were ecstatic to find someone else to play “GO” with.  With these answers, how could I say no to allowing them to take our precious games to school?  (Just in case, you’re curious, at the end I’ll write a list of games they took.)

If I have not yet motivated you to commit to playing games with your children, allow me to share other benefits of playing games, specifically board games:

• Games teach you to observe….everything.  They teach you to not give up, they can even teach you to laugh at yourself.
• Games teach you what it feels like to win!  This can be very helpful in the future with competitive sports or in their job.  Having the passion to win can motivate you to become more successful in life.
• Games teach you to negotiate and allow you to say “no” if the deal being offered is not a "win/win” deal.
• Games teach you to think ahead…to strategize.
• Games teach you to “read” people.
• Games can improve your skills; games can help identify your talents.
• Games like scrabble can teach you specific skills, like expanding your vocabulary. 

With that I hope I have convinced you that games are not just for fun, or a waste of time.  They are a wonderful way to spend time with your children.  Some things are best taught at home and many things are best taught by parents.  Why not commit to starting your own Board Game Club?  Do it for your family or go ahead and get the word out to others.  (Can you imagine getting to know the families of your sons and daughters’ friends??!!  I know, I know…a novel idea.)   Sometimes board games are an after-thought to another primary activity like a dinner, let’s make it the main event.

"I don’t want to give Joshua my quarters"

I’ve always liked to write and today, I came across something I wrote on March 15, 1998, thirteen years ago!  My boys were 3, 4 (Matthew was almost 5) and 13.  I thought I would share it.  “To make a long story short, I bought a book called “Reality Discipline” – it just sounded good.  Anyway, it turned out to be Bible-based and it has given me some really good practical ideas that have really worked!  It’s amazing actually.  For example, it said that if a child has a temper tantrum to pick him up, put him in a room (a private place) and tell him that when he is done he can join you again.  Well Andrew (3) wasn’t throwing a temper tantrum per say, but he was being very fussy at the table; he didn’t want anything and I was offering him different things and of course, he didn’t want any of it.  All of a sudden I picked him up and took him to the room and told him when he was happy he could come out.  He came out like 15 seconds later announcing he was happy now and he ate.  Another thing that worked was this:  I told Matthew to help Josh pick up the living room by picking up the toys.  He said very matter of factly, that he did not want to.  I said, “OK, Matthew, that’s OK, you just sit down right here while Josh picks up the living room and we’ll give Josh two of your quarters for having to do your job OK?”  His response was, “Oh no, mom, I will pick up the toys; thank you for telling me that…I don’t want to give Joshua my quarters.”  With Josh I’d set up the rule that I take 50 cents away for every chore he forgot.  Right now, it’s just brushing his teeth, practicing his flute, making his bed and leaving no clothes on the floor.  The first week he lost $2.00, but he hasn’t been docked for two weeks!  The hardest part is not reminding him to do something.  One time it was 8:30pm when he remembered he hadn’t practiced his flute.  Anyway, I’m really pleasantly surprised.”

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