we feel loved when we feel respected

Fill your teenager's LoveCup with respect...we feel loved when we feel respected.  Here is a conversation from a family coaching session.  The teen is a 17 year old male.  The parents are monolingual Spanish speaking.

 

Teen: I think they should let me wear what I want to wear.

Mom:  I don't like him wearing red.

Teen:  This isn't gang related. 

Me:  In your opinion, what would be considered gang-related?

Teen:  like a red rosary...or like red tennis shoes...

Me:  Hmmm...well, yes, parents need to give kids more autonomy in what they wear, but this is different.  So, let me just talk to you as if you were my son.  If you were my son and you wanted to wear red (and we lived in the zipcode where you live), I would say:  Son, I don't want you wearing red because I'm afraid you'll be confused with gang members and end up getting shot.

Teen:  But this isn't gang stuff.

Mom:  In juvenile hall, they put him with the gang group.

Me:  Well, I don't know anything about gangs, but since we're talking about life and death, I can't just take your word for it.  We need to ask someone.  Would you be ok with you and your mom asking someone like the principal or the police officers at your school if what you are wearing is gang stuff?  And....would you be ok with not wearing it if they say it is?

Teen:  yeah...that'd be fine...and ok....yeah.

Me:  Ok, so tomorrow, you, mom, need to go to school and find the principal or the police officers with your son and ask them if what you are wearing is considered gang-related or not?

Teen:  Ok.

One week later.....

Me:  So, how did it go?  Was it gang related or not?  (he wasn't wearing red)

Teen:  We didn't go.

Me:  Why not?

Teen:  Just cuz.....

Me: Hmmm....so you don't want to go ask? 

Teen: No...

Me:  Does that mean you are ok with not wearing red?  Are you sure?

Teen:  Yeah. 

Me: OK, so you are choosing to not wear what your mom considers dangerous.

Teen:  Yep.

 

I'm not even sure why I think this is showing respect, but I think it is. 


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