Saturday, March 23, 2013

Are these words in your vocabulary? or your child's?



  • Luck
  • Enemy
  • Rejection
  • Hate
  • But


The article refers to business, but I believe it can be applied to families/children as well.
Words that create failure

SHARING IS CARING

Friday, March 15, 2013

"That's a mere $24.44 a day!"

I've seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child repeatedly (and am pretty sure it has doubled by now) but I had never seen this list of rewards....I enjoyed it and am thinking you might too!
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 years old, and came up $160,140!
That doesn't even touch college tuition.
For those with kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all the money we could have banked
if not for those “Little Sweethearts”.
For others, that number might confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into $8,896.66 a year,
$741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week.
That’s a mere $24.44 a day!
Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice says don’t have children if you want to be “rich”.
It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last.
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites,
building sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or
how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins,
play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and
never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep:
reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
watching Saturday morning cartoons,
going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect
spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
hand prints set in clay for Mother’s Day, and cards with backward letters for Father’s Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bank for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool,
coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins
but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra,
first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you’re lucky,
a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications,
and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child,
you rank right up there with God.
You have all the power to heal a boo-boo,
scare away the monsters under the bed,
patch a broken heart,
police a slumber party,
ground them forever,
and love them without limits,
so one day they will, like you,
love without counting the cost.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

"I don't know what to do...my daughter leaves her clothes all over the place


A snippet from a one-on-one with the mom of an 8 year old little girl.
"I don't know what to do...my daughter leaves her clothes all over the place...I've tried everything.." she said.
"So, does she leave them on the floor, after she gets home from school and changes so that the clean ones get mixed up with the dirty ones?", I asked.
"No....", she said.
"OK, so does she leave her clothes on the floor at night when she goes to bed?"
"No....", she said.
"OK, so does she leave her pajamas on the floor in the morning?"
"No....", she said, "OK, look...in the morning she takes out 4 outfits, lays them on the bed, chooses one and leaves the other 3 on the bed."
"oh.... OK, and when would you like those clothes put away...before she gets in bed, or do you want her to run upstairs the second she gets home to put them away before she eats a snack, or...."
She laughed, "no...she can eat a snack...."
"OK, so an hour after she gets home?"
"Yeah....that sounds good..."
"OK....we're making progress!!!  :)  now we know what you want!

Being able to tell our kids what we want them to do, starts with figuring out what we want.   This little girl agreed to not being able to wear her favorite jacket to school the next day...if she forgot.  She would not like that she said.  Oh, and this little girl happens to have a one hour sand hourglass which she will "start" when she gets home.


SHARING IS CARING


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Step 1 - Say What You Want


About a year ago, I spoke to the mom of a 15 year boy.  It went something like this:  “I just don’t know what to do….he keeps forgetting to take the garbage cans out and then they are too full the following week, and that’s inspite of me reminding him all the time…what can I do?”

My first question was, “Does he know that’s his job?”  “Well, yeah…well, I think so…..he has to know…but maybe not…I guess we never really told him that was his job…..”  So, yes……Step 1 is to tell your kids what you want….in this case it’d be something like: I want you to be responsible for taking the garbage out every week, without being reminded.  Step 2 would go something like this:  And since you are not used to doing this, let’s set up a consequence so that you remember.  Consequences help us remember…they help us choose….kind of how every time you see the amount of the ticket for going in the car pool when you are alone, you choose not to go there, i.e., you choose to keep your $387.00!   

With kids, I think it’s always a good idea to brainstorm together on what might be a good consequence (teaches them to think and to negotiate). Plus, kids come up with the best ideas.  In this case, he suggested that if he forgot to take the garbage cans out to the street and they weren’t picked up by the garbage truck, he would pay his mom $20.00.  Since she knows money is very important to him she agreed to it.  Today, that same mom told me, “he hasn’t forgotten since then!”  

Imagine all the conflict/nagging that was averted by clearly telling him what she wanted.    

Monday, March 11, 2013

Stop trying to go to the past...



Stop trying to go to the past...

Sometimes when our kids make mistakes (ok, BIG mistakes...like the kind that land them in juvenile hall for 45 days and house arrest fro 6 months) we keep telling them why we can't or don't trust them anymore.  

In my classes, I explain, that try as hard as they may...our kids can't go back in time; they can't undo what they did.  In fact, no one can!  It does no good to focus on the past, i.e., what already happened.  I would go as far as saying that it really doesn't even help to try to understand why someone did something.  Some things are incomprehensible and I'm not even sure, I want to understand.

What is helpful is to focus on the future.  Focus on preventing something from happening again.  If it was a spilled glass of milk, make sure you give them a sippy cup the next time.  

I met with a family this morning and I actually used that example and the father's response was, "Ok...let's use a real example....she's always bringing up the past".  Based on her (his wife) side of the story, she had good reason to be bringing up the past, but that does not change the fact that it doesn't help their current situation.  I first asked them if they agreed that bringing up the past did not help and was not a good thing.  They both agreed.  I then asked them if they would both like to stop bringing up the past.  Again, they both agreed.  Yay...the hard part was over (agreeing on a common goal)!  The only thing left was "how".  Since I think consequences are the answer to everything (oh yeah...and a full LoveCup!), I explained the idea of using consequences to help them change.  Here are the consequences they came up with.  If she catches him bringing up the past, he has to give her a 20 shoulder/back rub.  If he catches her bringing up the past, she has to sit on the front stairs and have a time out!  I laughed and couldn't believe she was going to agree to that, but she was fine with it because "I'm just not going to bring up the past, anymore....", she said confidently.  And that.....is the goal!


BTW...what I saw was a beautiful young mom and a very handsome young man, both 21 wanting to make it better. I saw a mom, who inspite of clearly having had a rough childhood, is now the loving mom of a 2 month old, a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old; a mom who fought for her 2 yr and didn't abort her; a mom who sought out help; and a young man who is confident and is taking responsibility for taking care of his family; who is not running from the difficult situation they are in right now; I also saw a lot of great parenting going on; I saw a 4 year old who is determined and an expert negotiator - that means he has great self-esteem!

SHARING IS CARING

 

Friday, March 8, 2013

Full LoveCup Day

Full LoveCup Day.....Look what I got today!...just because....from my sister... :)  One of the several encouragements I got today that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing!  I had a parenting class and 3 one-one-one consultations...I'm turning into that nanny that goes into people's home and whips them into shape!  


I am always amazed by how much a 1 year old understands.  This mom has a 1 year old and a 4 year old.  She had told me that the one year old is able to open the front door even when it is locked and that he keeps climbing up onto the kitchen counter and that this morning he fell.   Other concerns she had were that her husband is not patient with their sons and in her opinion he mistreats them.   So much so, that they don't want to be with him.  Her other concern is that the preschool is telling her that her 4 year old yells and throws things and doesn't listen.

While there, the 1 year old got up onto the counter.  I ran to the kitchen, told him his mom does not want him to get up on the counters, took him down, opened the kitchen door to the patio and told him he had to sit on steps until I counted to 10.  He sat there looking up at me, confused, with a look that said "what's the big deal?"  When the counting was over, I told him he could come in now and that if he got up there again, he would have to sit on the steps again.  I explained to the mom that making it seem like it was a really big deal/offense was part of the strategy.  It, of course, also requires that you ACT.  You have to get up and do something. 

There are many reasons why we need to teach our kids to obey.  Here are a few that come to mind from this encounter with this mom:

·         you will avoid having to go to the ER!  Falling from the counter is dangerous!!

·         your husband will not be so exasperated with your sons...they will know you mean it when you say something

·         your child will not be labeled in preschool or kindergarten as a "bad" kid   - when our kids get labeled as bad kids, I would say most of the time, it's because they don't know how to obey. 

I believe kids are smart!  They will understand you...and they do want to please you. 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The more you like yourself, the bigger your goals…the less you like yourself, the smaller your goals.

The more you like yourself, the bigger your goals…the less you like yourself, the smaller your goals.



Today, I talked about goals in the youth class. But before we could talk about goals, we had to talk about liking ourselves because there is a direct correlation between how much you like yourself and the size of your goals. So…I asked everyone to say something they wanted…anything…something they wanted to buy, or something they wanted to accomplish or something they wanted to be, etc. Here are their responses by race.

- I want to be a chemist

- I want to go to the prom

- I want to reach the highest fighting level (something like jijitzu…)

- I want to get an A in Biology

- I want to make the soccer team.



- I want to pass my classes (two said this)

- I want this school year to be over

- “I’ll pass” (I don’t have a goal)

- I don’t want to fail my classes

(To me, this is very telling and therefore very concerning. The first list speaks of kids who have a healthy self-esteem. The second list speaks of kids with low self-esteem, i.e., not motivated….i.e., an empty LoveCup.  Parents' words and actions play a huge role in fostering positive self esteem. Plus, studies show there is a link between healthy self-esteem and higher education.)
I continued by explaining that the more you like yourself, the bigger your goals….the less you like yourself, the smaller your goals.

Step one to liking yourself is accepting yourself. I shared the logic I used on myself a while back which was the following: God is perfect, i.e., He doesn’t make mistakes. God made me. So I must be perfect just the way I am because God does not make mistakes. Plus, I realized that every time I said or thought I don’t like something about myself I was saying God made a mistake. And if God LOVES me, the least I can do is LIKE myself.  A very simple strategy to liking yourself more is to say “I like myself” over and over again. Brian Tracy says it best in his short 3-4 min video: http://www.briantracy.com/files/pages/videos/posc.html?p=212

SHARING IS CARING