The Two Pots (Author Unknown)

A Water Bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years, this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes my water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, we would not have such beauty."


Each of us has our own unique flaw. Accept yourself with your all your flaws and accept your children with their flaws.  In fact, let's learn to love our flaws.  I don't know about you, but I would rather be the cracked pot  who watered all those seeds!  

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I WANT TO! / I GET TO! / I CHOOSE TO

My sons have been a continual source of lessons for me.  The other day, Matthew surprised me by something he said.  We were in the middle of a movie when the clock struck 9:00pm.  He got up, almost abruptly, and said “I get to go to bed now!” 

I’ve always been the type of person who likes to stay up.  I enjoy that quiet time, but I also now know that staying up is not a healthy habit.  And if I think about it, I’m not at my peak…how could I be?   I’m tired.  The next day we talked about what he said and he said that for him it’s not about having to go to bed.  He said he looks at going to bed as one of the things he gets to do after a long day.  He gets to rest! 

This made me think about some of the self improvement things we’ve all read or heard like:

I “want to” do something vs. I “must do” something

I “get to” do something vs. I “should do” something

I “choose to” do something vs.  I “have to” do something

Let’s think about why or how this would help us and/or our children.  The first thing that jumps out at me is how positive the statements on the left are!  

I believe the statements on the right are responsible for a majority of the procrastination we do.  The statements on the left implicitly remind you of the goal. Simply saying the words “want to” may in turn be a reminder to you that in doing this you will achieve a higher goal 9e.g., if I got to sleep early then I will be able to be at my peak the next day.  And as we’ve all heard, words are powerful and just saying you want to do something is a self-fulfilling prophecy.    “I get to do something” instantly makes it seem like you are rewarding yourself.   It reminds you of the blessing of being able to do that which you “get to” do, like just walking as your form of exercise.  In my mind I “choose to” appeals to our sense of independence.  We’re not doing it because someone is telling us to do something, we don’t feel forced to, we are choosing between two options.  I think people want to do the right thing, including our children.   

My main point is that if this negative phrasing/language is destructive and keeps us from accomplishing our goals, let’s give our children a head start and train them to eliminate this type of language now. 

Also, the wonderful thing about teaching children something is that they do not let you forget and later they’re teaching you the same thing!!!  

Games People Play

When was the last time you played a game with your children?  Who has time to play games when there are always dishes to be done, or laundry to be done or if you are just plain exhausted after a long day of work?  Besides, games are for kids who don’t have anything better to do; it’s a waste of time.

I don’t know if it’s because my parents never sat down to play a game with us, but I made a decision a long time ago to play games with my sons.  I became a single mom of three boys when they were 2, 4 and 12 which has meant playing everything from board games to dodge ball, to Sega, to arcade games to riding go carts.  (A lot of people I know would probably find it very difficult to believe that I do/have done all that with my sons.)  No, a lot of those activities are not my activities of choice, but I decided having fun together was something I wanted to make sure we did together.  I also realized that playing provided a lot of opportunities to teach them things and it was an easy (and cheap) way of giving them the one thing they wanted the most – my undivided attention…my time. 

My two youngest sons are now in high school and to my great surprise they started a board game club at the beginning of this school year.  When I asked them why they wanted to do that I was blown away by their answers which included: 1) we want to play the games we love – we have all these games but don’t get to play them very often, 2) playing board games gives us a chance to talk to each other – “kids mostly play video games cuz they are lonely”, 3) We want to have a club that doesn’t stress you out if you can’t make it one day – if you miss a day, it doesn’t matter,  and 4) we want to teach others how to play some of the games we know how to play – they were ecstatic to find someone else to play “GO” with.  With these answers, how could I say no to allowing them to take our precious games to school?  (Just in case, you’re curious, at the end I’ll write a list of games they took.)

If I have not yet motivated you to commit to playing games with your children, allow me to share other benefits of playing games, specifically board games:

• Games teach you to observe….everything.  They teach you to not give up, they can even teach you to laugh at yourself.
• Games teach you what it feels like to win!  This can be very helpful in the future with competitive sports or in their job.  Having the passion to win can motivate you to become more successful in life.
• Games teach you to negotiate and allow you to say “no” if the deal being offered is not a "win/win” deal.
• Games teach you to think ahead…to strategize.
• Games teach you to “read” people.
• Games can improve your skills; games can help identify your talents.
• Games like scrabble can teach you specific skills, like expanding your vocabulary. 

With that I hope I have convinced you that games are not just for fun, or a waste of time.  They are a wonderful way to spend time with your children.  Some things are best taught at home and many things are best taught by parents.  Why not commit to starting your own Board Game Club?  Do it for your family or go ahead and get the word out to others.  (Can you imagine getting to know the families of your sons and daughters’ friends??!!  I know, I know…a novel idea.)   Sometimes board games are an after-thought to another primary activity like a dinner, let’s make it the main event.

"I don’t want to give Joshua my quarters"

I’ve always liked to write and today, I came across something I wrote on March 15, 1998, thirteen years ago!  My boys were 3, 4 (Matthew was almost 5) and 13.  I thought I would share it.  “To make a long story short, I bought a book called “Reality Discipline” – it just sounded good.  Anyway, it turned out to be Bible-based and it has given me some really good practical ideas that have really worked!  It’s amazing actually.  For example, it said that if a child has a temper tantrum to pick him up, put him in a room (a private place) and tell him that when he is done he can join you again.  Well Andrew (3) wasn’t throwing a temper tantrum per say, but he was being very fussy at the table; he didn’t want anything and I was offering him different things and of course, he didn’t want any of it.  All of a sudden I picked him up and took him to the room and told him when he was happy he could come out.  He came out like 15 seconds later announcing he was happy now and he ate.  Another thing that worked was this:  I told Matthew to help Josh pick up the living room by picking up the toys.  He said very matter of factly, that he did not want to.  I said, “OK, Matthew, that’s OK, you just sit down right here while Josh picks up the living room and we’ll give Josh two of your quarters for having to do your job OK?”  His response was, “Oh no, mom, I will pick up the toys; thank you for telling me that…I don’t want to give Joshua my quarters.”  With Josh I’d set up the rule that I take 50 cents away for every chore he forgot.  Right now, it’s just brushing his teeth, practicing his flute, making his bed and leaving no clothes on the floor.  The first week he lost $2.00, but he hasn’t been docked for two weeks!  The hardest part is not reminding him to do something.  One time it was 8:30pm when he remembered he hadn’t practiced his flute.  Anyway, I’m really pleasantly surprised.”

No Further Comment Needed

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How Can You Say No To This Face?

Some of our kids are endowed with special powers.  Powers of persuasion, powers of influencing, powers to see solutions where seemingly non-existent, and powers of perseverance against all odds.  These are not necessarily bad things.  They can be very useful as adults and are usually possessed by leaders vs. followers.

 However, since we are their parents, it is up to us to help them learn how and when to use these powers.  The bad thing for us is that we get the brunt of their practicing experience and while we certainly don’t want to squelch these characteristics, we want them to understand that sometimes, the answer is “no” or that “no, we are not going to change our mind” or “yes, we are going to go through with the consequence”.     Given their level of expertise in the area of persuasion and/or the level of passion for their desire, this may be easier said than done.

I am here, however, to tell you to let your no be no.  In my case, it was my youngest son, Andrew, who wanted to see how strong I was and/or how strong he was.  Following through on keeping my word, either about what they could or couldn’t do or about consequences was not something that was easy for me or that came naturally.  On some level I knew it was important to follow through, but I remember waffling frequently until one day, my oldest son, Joshua, made the following statement and following conversation ensued.

“Mom, you must really hate Andrew.”

“What?!!  Why would you say that?!  How could you say that?!”

“Well…you let him get away with murder.  You are creating a monster and no one is going to like him.”

I realized then and there that I needed to pay special attention to what I was doing with Andrew, lest I create a monster.  I saw the big picture and realized he was exactly right and that the way I was behaving was in direct opposition to the goal I had in mind for my son Andrew.  It was all the encouragement I needed and I have never forgotten that.

I have now also realized that the consequences of not following through are huge!  Children of parents who do not keep their word become huge risk takers.  Children are very observant and learn quite quickly that their parent(s) has the tendency to “cave in”.  They are also very good at analyzing data and making projections with that data.  They do this to determine what their chances are of getting away with things.  They soon learn that they have say a 50/50 chance or a 70/30 chance or an 80/20 chance. Pretty smart kids we have….aren’t they?!   

One problem with this is that they learn to take risks and as they grow up, these could be life-endangering risks…..besides….they might get caught or they might not get caught.  These risks could range from speeding, to running red lights, to experimenting with drugs/alcohol/sex, stealing, lying, etc., etc. 

Another problem is these children turn into adults that do not trust people.  Like I said these kids are very smart and they figure out that if they can’t trust their parents, they surely can’t trust anyone else.  I’m sure we can all think of scenarios where not trusting people is not conducive to healthy friendships, relationships, marriage, business partnerships, etc.   Not trusting people also results in not asking for help when help is needed. 

Finally, another result of “giving in” is that they do not learn to obey which equals having no respect for authority, (ranging from God to parents to employers) which in turn produces teenagers and/or adults who struggle with responsibility.  

As if all of the above were not bad enough, there is yet another result which I consider extremely sad.  Sad because children whose parents do not follow-up consistently are not motivated.  They are not motivated to try their best – at home, at school, and/or at work.  Why should they bother, if their parents might or might not notice that their homework got done or that the chores got done? 
If you are looking to raise God-fearing kids, kids who respect their parents and kids who are gainfully employed, so I urge you to think about the results of your actions the next time they wear you down and you feel tempted to give in to their persuasive power.  

SHARING IS CARING

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