Be a Great "Manager"...."Train" Your Children

Can you imagine getting a new job and not being trained for your position? Can you imagine not getting trained on how to submit an expense report and it just keeps coming back to you “not approved”? Can you imagine not being trained on how to assemble something and finding out after the whole thing was assembled that this one part needed to be facing the other way for the final piece to be attached?
Think about how you might feel. Would you feel confident about keeping your job? Would be feel good about yourself knowing you did a good job. Probably not. In addition, everything would take much longer, because you would probably need to do it twice.
Sounds outrageous, doesn’t it? And yet, that is what we, parents, do sometimes. I remember setting up chores for my boys and giving Andrew, who was around 5 yrs old then, the chore of emptying all the bathroom trash cans. I remember walking in and seeing that yes, it had been emptied, but there was trash on the floor and no new bag in the basket. I started to call out with a raised voice, “AAAnnndrrewwwww….” When I thought, ‘wait a minute, I didn’t “train” him! The only thing I said was to empty the trash cans – which he had, technically, done. I called him and instead of telling him he didn’t do it right, I told him I had forgotten to train him and explained that emptying the trash cans meant removing the bag, picking up any papers that might have spilled out, and placing a new bag in the container. In other words, I took the time to train him.

We are notorious for assuming that our children know exactly what we mean. Just because they are your children does not mean they have special mind-reading powers. So, when you assign chores, be sure to “train” them for the job by making the expectation very clear. Thinking of it like a job description will help you remember to train them. If you want them to clean their room, explain what you mean by that. If you want them to clear the kitchen counters and you didn’t specify that that included the sink, don’t be surprised to come home to find everything in the sink. If you want them to take a shower, don’t be surprised if they get in, get wet and get out. Try to think about how you might go about training someone for that job if it was at work. Aside from writing a job description, you would show them exactly how to do something and you encourage them to ask questions if they were not clear about something. Do the same with your children.
We all love to please and our children are no exception. Your children will be very happy with themselves when they see how pleased you are with the job they did.
One final thought on this. Your job as a parent, i.e., a manager, also requires that you evaluate how well your children did their job. This responsibility should not be taken lightly, or ignored. In fact, when I set up our chores, I made sure to include under my list of responsibilities...Check to see if the chores got done and evaluate how well they were done. Doing this provides us with the opportunity to instill pride in a job well done. It also provides us with an opportunity to praise them for doing a good job and/or to help them improve and do better next time. It also provides us with an opportunity to make them feel like they are a critical piece of the puzzle and how things run smoothly when everyone does their part. I believe this is one way in which we can help them embrace responsibility.
Please do not ignore or neglect your “managerial” responsibilities. This is a very important responsibility you have as a parent. Everyone likes to be appreciated and we all know how it feels to have a manager (or parent) who only notices what you don’t do and never appreciates a job done well. Let’s be remembered as having been a great “manager”!

The 90/10 Principle

The 90/10 Principle
Author : Stephen Covey ( Management Guru)

Have you read this before? Discover the 90/10 Principle. It will change your life
(at least the way you react to situations). What is this principle?

10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react. What does this mean?

We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%.

How? By your reaction. You cannot control a red light., but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react.

Let's use an example. You are eating breakfast with your family. Your
daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just what happened. What happens when the next will be determined by how you react.You curse. You harshly scold your daughter for
knocking the cup over.

She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave
immediately for work.

You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit. After a 15-minute delay and
throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home, When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your
spouse and daughter.

Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning. Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?

The answer is " D".

You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day. Here is what could have and should have happened.

Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "It's ok honey, you just need, to be more careful next time". Grabbing a towel you rush
upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.

Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both
ended different.

Why? Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction.

Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off)
Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive? Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it.

You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job. The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take out your frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse. Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it.

The 90-10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle.

The result? Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. We all must understand and apply the 90/10 principle.

It WILL change your life!!!

No Whining…..

Whining is a learned behavior. Babies cry when they need something. Toddlers do not have the vocabulary to express their needs/wants/feelings so whining becomes their way of communicating. By the time they can talk, however, children have realized that whining is an effective strategy to get what they want. If parents don’t recognize this, this becomes their way of communicating and can be quite annoying. So, how do we help our children “unlearn” how to whine. I have heard and read of all kinds of tips ranging from establishing “no whining” rules, to giving rewards for not whining, to saying something like “I can’t understand you when you talk with that voice; use your normal voice” to setting up a time for the child to complain. While these sound good, these tips were not enough, it was like dealing with the symptom instead of the problem.
As you may know by now…our children can be our greatest teachers. So, like with everything else, look at yourself first. Are you a whiner? When you trip over your kids’ shoes do you say “you always leave your shoes everywhere!” vs. “I want you to pick up your shoes right now”. If you feel disconnected from your husband do you say “we never go out any more” vs. “I would like you to take me out to dinner”. I think you get the point.
In my opinion, we whine/complain because we have not learned to say what we want. However, the bigger problem might be figuring out what we want. In order to say what you want, you need to first think about what you actually want. Before you start complaining about something, ask yourself “what is it that I really want?” The key here is recognizing that saying what you don’t want or like isn’t allowed. You need to figure out what you want and then say it.
You can help your children do the same thing. The next time they are complaining, say “stop, tell me what you want”. Their answers may surprise you. I remember one time, Andrew was 3 or 4 and was complaining, almost to the point of having a tantrum. I was able to get his attention and say “stop, tell me what you want”. When he answered “a glass of milk”, I couldn’t believe that was all he wanted.
So be on your guard for whining, from children and yourself, and get in the habit of saying, “Ok, what do I want” or “tell me what you want”. By doing this, you will not only eliminate the whining, you will be teaching your child to be part of the solution! A manager’s dream employee would be one who comes to him/her with solutions, right? In addition, you will be teaching your child to focus on the positive rather than on the negative. Don’t focus on what you don’t want, focus on what you want!
If we don’t learn to say what we want, as we get older, our efforts become more sophisticated, with the addition of manipulation techniques to our whining strategy, in an effort to increase our effectiveness in getting what we want. We have all been manipulative and/or have encountered manipulative people and know it’s not a good thing. So, again, I encourage you to do yourself and your child a huge favor and learn to recognize this behavior and change it in yourself and in your children.

Look into their eyes....

One very simple way to fill your child’s love cup……look at them when you talk to them.
I remember when my boys were little, I would always want to be sure they were listening when I told them something. And to do that, I would lightly touch their chin and turn their face toward mine and then say what I wanted to say. If they were too far away from me, I would say “look at me”.
Later as they grew older and they wanted to make sure I was listening, they would do the same thing to me. They would turn my face toward them as they said “mom…”.
Think about what you do with babies – it’s all about eye contact. It’s a major part of how we communicate our love to them. As your children grow older, however, we stop doing that.
When was the last time you looked at your child when they were trying to tell you something. Nobody likes to talk to someone’s back and yet, if you are in the kitchen doing the dishes, that is exactly what you are asking your child to do, same thing when we’re driving. So, be aware of what you are doing when they are talking and remind yourself to look into their eyes. Look at them when they are talking. This one very simple act will fill their love cup.

I Like / I Don't Like

Fill your child’s love cup by finding out what they want. Just taking them to Toys R us and going through the store to find out what kinds of things appeal to them will provide you with insight into them.
I know, I know, it’s just after Christmas and I’m talking about finding out what they want. This does not necessarily mean, however, getting them more toys. I’m just talking about taking the time to find out what they like. When you love someone, you want to find out what they like. You want to know what their favorite food is, what kind of music they like, what kind of movies they like, etc. Have you taken the time recently to find out what your child likes?
With children, we don’t always take the time to find out what they like. I, for one, have three boys and have never been interested in boy toys. If you want to bore me, start telling me what this transformer can do and not do and how this one is from this galaxy and that one is from that galaxy, etc. It is very difficult for me to engage in those types of conversation. One day it occurred to me that I did not have a clue what toys they liked at that point in their life so I decided I would take them to Toys R Us and have them show me what they liked. The first time I did this I was blown away by how happy they were to be looking at everything without being in a rush and how excited they were to be explaining all these things to me.
You can also do this with catalogs. We like to play “I like, I don’t like”. You can do this with any catalog. Just go through and each person say “I like” or “don’t like” for each item in the catalog. It’s fun to decide quickly and it’s fun when you are surprised that someone likes this or that. No need to convince someone about why you like it, you’re not buying it, you’re just saying if you like it or not and…. you’re not even saying you want it, just if you like it or not. We’ve done this with homes catalogs, toy catalogs, furniture catalogs, gardening catalogs, car catalogs, you name it. It also helps your child learn that we don’t all have to like the same thing, we’re different! And that’s OK.
Finding out what they like is another way of “seeking to understand” . And do you know that this is the key to being able to influence our children, or actually anyone. We all want to be understood. If we do not feel understood we are not open to hearing what the other person is saying. On the other hand, if we feel like the other person truly understands, meaning like they tried to put themselves in our shoes, we will be open to hearing what they have to say. Parents always ask how to get their kids to listen to them. Well, the answer as you can see, is to start listening to your kids.

That's Mean.....

One of the things I talk about in my parenting seminars are consequences. This is also the thing that most people have difficulty with. Some have difficulty with the concept – it seems mean to them. Some have difficulty thinking of appropriate consequences. Others have difficulty enforcing the consequences.

The other day I ran into this lady who shared how she used consequences very effectively. She said her 16 year old daughter came home with two Ds on her report card and then added nonchalantly that next quarter one of them was going to be an F because she hated that class.

The mom kept her cool and told the daughter to go take a nice long bath so they could both think about this. While the daughter was taking a bath, the mother went in and removed all her clothes from her closet, except one pair of jeans and one t-shirt. She then had a conversation about how it was her job to help her do her best and if she didn’t care about getting good grades, she would care about figuring out how to get her clothes back. The mother explained she could earn them back.

This may seem drastic, but it worked. I have to explain that the reason the mother had to take such drastic measures was that she had not been using consequences. The daughter was used to doing what she wanted and getting away with it. If you use consequences from the time your children are little, you won’t need to do drastic things like this.

So, what does this have to do with the love cup? Well, the mother was able to convey how important it was that her daughter get grades that reflected her abilities. The mother knows the implications of good (or bad) grades over the long run. By not allowing the daughter to get away with doing what she wanted, the mother also conveyed how much she cared about her daughter.

These days, neglect is what kids get from parents who are busy and/or tired all the time. Of the four parenting styles, neglectful parents as compared to authoritarian, permissive and firm and caring parents, have kids with the emptiest love cups.

Are you the Queen of Multi-tasking?

I was telling my boys about a story I read. It was about a lady who was recalling with great fondness how, when she was little, her dad was always available to her. She recalled peeking into his office, so as to not disturb him. Upon seeing her, he would always say "I see you...come here..." She would run over to him, he would pick her up and place her on his lap and say, "tell me about your day". That was all she needed to start gushing about the bug that got on her, or her friend that wasn't nice to her or the ice cream she got to eat!

I always make it a point to share inspiring stories with my boys in the hope of teaching them something. I like to make them think or perhaps more accurately, get a sense of their thought process, so I asked, "What do you think?" My boys are are extremely insightful, so often times, I'm the one who ends up with the lesson and today was a perfect example of that.

I could tell Matthew was thinking and I've learned to be patient with that. Finally, he said, "That's a very nice memory she has and I was thinking that the only way a parent could do that is if they never leave things for the last minute.

I literally gasped for several reasons. One, because I am so guilty of leaving things for the last minute and I KNOW that if I'm in the middle of doing something at the last minute, I cannot afford to be interrupted by anyone, for any reason....yes, even my kids. The other reason was that I would have never thought that through to an actual action step. It was have remained a fantasy, a nice idea, but I would have never made that connection.

It made me think about the fact that when I leave things for the last minute, I don't enjoy what I am doing. I am in a hurry....in a hurry to do the laundry, in a hurry to take a shower, in a hurry to walk across the parking lot, in a hurry to get my nails done, in a hurry to do everything! This not only results in me not being to stop to attend to something my boys need, but it has also resulted in my not enjoying 90% of what I am doing and...it has also resulted in me not doing my best. How could I...when I'm in a hurry to get it done?

Multi-tasking is a trap many of us have fallen into. We even brag that we, women, can multi-task better than men. Well, I'm here to say, that multi-taksing is not all it's built up to be. Multi-tasking is, after all, the reason we lose our keys, or as we get older, the reason we leave the stove on. We are not focused on what we are doing. We are focused on our next "to do" item on out list.

I say we slow down and learn to enjoy each and everything we do. Ask yourself, "Am I enjoying this moment?" If you didn't find a close parking spot, enjoy your walk across the parking lot. Be grateful you can walk across the parking lot. If your child sees a bug they find intereseting you'll be able to stop and look at it, thereby filling their love cup vs. emptying it with "come on, we don't have time for that".