Look into their eyes....

One very simple way to fill your child’s love cup……look at them when you talk to them.
I remember when my boys were little, I would always want to be sure they were listening when I told them something. And to do that, I would lightly touch their chin and turn their face toward mine and then say what I wanted to say. If they were too far away from me, I would say “look at me”.
Later as they grew older and they wanted to make sure I was listening, they would do the same thing to me. They would turn my face toward them as they said “mom…”.
Think about what you do with babies – it’s all about eye contact. It’s a major part of how we communicate our love to them. As your children grow older, however, we stop doing that.
When was the last time you looked at your child when they were trying to tell you something. Nobody likes to talk to someone’s back and yet, if you are in the kitchen doing the dishes, that is exactly what you are asking your child to do, same thing when we’re driving. So, be aware of what you are doing when they are talking and remind yourself to look into their eyes. Look at them when they are talking. This one very simple act will fill their love cup.

I Like / I Don't Like

Fill your child’s love cup by finding out what they want. Just taking them to Toys R us and going through the store to find out what kinds of things appeal to them will provide you with insight into them.
I know, I know, it’s just after Christmas and I’m talking about finding out what they want. This does not necessarily mean, however, getting them more toys. I’m just talking about taking the time to find out what they like. When you love someone, you want to find out what they like. You want to know what their favorite food is, what kind of music they like, what kind of movies they like, etc. Have you taken the time recently to find out what your child likes?
With children, we don’t always take the time to find out what they like. I, for one, have three boys and have never been interested in boy toys. If you want to bore me, start telling me what this transformer can do and not do and how this one is from this galaxy and that one is from that galaxy, etc. It is very difficult for me to engage in those types of conversation. One day it occurred to me that I did not have a clue what toys they liked at that point in their life so I decided I would take them to Toys R Us and have them show me what they liked. The first time I did this I was blown away by how happy they were to be looking at everything without being in a rush and how excited they were to be explaining all these things to me.
You can also do this with catalogs. We like to play “I like, I don’t like”. You can do this with any catalog. Just go through and each person say “I like” or “don’t like” for each item in the catalog. It’s fun to decide quickly and it’s fun when you are surprised that someone likes this or that. No need to convince someone about why you like it, you’re not buying it, you’re just saying if you like it or not and…. you’re not even saying you want it, just if you like it or not. We’ve done this with homes catalogs, toy catalogs, furniture catalogs, gardening catalogs, car catalogs, you name it. It also helps your child learn that we don’t all have to like the same thing, we’re different! And that’s OK.
Finding out what they like is another way of “seeking to understand” . And do you know that this is the key to being able to influence our children, or actually anyone. We all want to be understood. If we do not feel understood we are not open to hearing what the other person is saying. On the other hand, if we feel like the other person truly understands, meaning like they tried to put themselves in our shoes, we will be open to hearing what they have to say. Parents always ask how to get their kids to listen to them. Well, the answer as you can see, is to start listening to your kids.

That's Mean.....

One of the things I talk about in my parenting seminars are consequences. This is also the thing that most people have difficulty with. Some have difficulty with the concept – it seems mean to them. Some have difficulty thinking of appropriate consequences. Others have difficulty enforcing the consequences.

The other day I ran into this lady who shared how she used consequences very effectively. She said her 16 year old daughter came home with two Ds on her report card and then added nonchalantly that next quarter one of them was going to be an F because she hated that class.

The mom kept her cool and told the daughter to go take a nice long bath so they could both think about this. While the daughter was taking a bath, the mother went in and removed all her clothes from her closet, except one pair of jeans and one t-shirt. She then had a conversation about how it was her job to help her do her best and if she didn’t care about getting good grades, she would care about figuring out how to get her clothes back. The mother explained she could earn them back.

This may seem drastic, but it worked. I have to explain that the reason the mother had to take such drastic measures was that she had not been using consequences. The daughter was used to doing what she wanted and getting away with it. If you use consequences from the time your children are little, you won’t need to do drastic things like this.

So, what does this have to do with the love cup? Well, the mother was able to convey how important it was that her daughter get grades that reflected her abilities. The mother knows the implications of good (or bad) grades over the long run. By not allowing the daughter to get away with doing what she wanted, the mother also conveyed how much she cared about her daughter.

These days, neglect is what kids get from parents who are busy and/or tired all the time. Of the four parenting styles, neglectful parents as compared to authoritarian, permissive and firm and caring parents, have kids with the emptiest love cups.

Are you the Queen of Multi-tasking?

I was telling my boys about a story I read. It was about a lady who was recalling with great fondness how, when she was little, her dad was always available to her. She recalled peeking into his office, so as to not disturb him. Upon seeing her, he would always say "I see you...come here..." She would run over to him, he would pick her up and place her on his lap and say, "tell me about your day". That was all she needed to start gushing about the bug that got on her, or her friend that wasn't nice to her or the ice cream she got to eat!

I always make it a point to share inspiring stories with my boys in the hope of teaching them something. I like to make them think or perhaps more accurately, get a sense of their thought process, so I asked, "What do you think?" My boys are are extremely insightful, so often times, I'm the one who ends up with the lesson and today was a perfect example of that.

I could tell Matthew was thinking and I've learned to be patient with that. Finally, he said, "That's a very nice memory she has and I was thinking that the only way a parent could do that is if they never leave things for the last minute.

I literally gasped for several reasons. One, because I am so guilty of leaving things for the last minute and I KNOW that if I'm in the middle of doing something at the last minute, I cannot afford to be interrupted by anyone, for any reason....yes, even my kids. The other reason was that I would have never thought that through to an actual action step. It was have remained a fantasy, a nice idea, but I would have never made that connection.

It made me think about the fact that when I leave things for the last minute, I don't enjoy what I am doing. I am in a hurry....in a hurry to do the laundry, in a hurry to take a shower, in a hurry to walk across the parking lot, in a hurry to get my nails done, in a hurry to do everything! This not only results in me not being to stop to attend to something my boys need, but it has also resulted in my not enjoying 90% of what I am doing and...it has also resulted in me not doing my best. How could I...when I'm in a hurry to get it done?

Multi-tasking is a trap many of us have fallen into. We even brag that we, women, can multi-task better than men. Well, I'm here to say, that multi-taksing is not all it's built up to be. Multi-tasking is, after all, the reason we lose our keys, or as we get older, the reason we leave the stove on. We are not focused on what we are doing. We are focused on our next "to do" item on out list.

I say we slow down and learn to enjoy each and everything we do. Ask yourself, "Am I enjoying this moment?" If you didn't find a close parking spot, enjoy your walk across the parking lot. Be grateful you can walk across the parking lot. If your child sees a bug they find intereseting you'll be able to stop and look at it, thereby filling their love cup vs. emptying it with "come on, we don't have time for that".

The Secret to Good Grades

Good grades seem to be what every parent worries about most. We all want our kids to succeed and whether we did good in school or not, we understand the importance of getting good grades.

My first encounter with this was when my oldest son, Joshua, was in high school. Here he was, a brilliant young man in 10th grade and he was failing.....I mean getting Ds and Fs. The same teachers that were giving him those grades were telling me how much they enjoyed his classroom participation and how insightful he was. I knew those grades did not reflect his ability. We all know that. We know how smart our kids are. We know how many facts they can remember. I remember him knowing every fact of at least 100 Pokeman. We know how mnay lyrics they can memorize. We know how many commercials they can recite word for word. These days our kids get labeled ADD or dyslexic at the first sign of mixing up some letters (OK, I know I'm exagerating) and we fall for it. We have strengths and weaknesses. None of us are great at everything. Yet when it comes to grades, we want our kids to excel in every subject. No, I'm not providing you with yet another reason to expect less of your kids or another reason to justify their poor grades. Before I tell you the secret, I'm just wanting to remind you to have a little more compassion for your kids - accept them as they are.....in a way, it's part of the secret.

So, what is the secret? The secret is to good grades is having a full love cup. In my opinion, grades are more about motivation than about ability. In Joshua's case, he just wouldn't do his homework and if he did, he would forget to turn it in. At first glance, this seems incomprehensible, yet when we think about it for a bit, I'm sure we can all relate to just not being motivated enough even to do those things which we know will hurt us if we do not get them done. So, in terms of good grades, the question we should be asking is: How do I motivate my child? To me this is paramount because as they grow up and get jobs, etc. they will need to know how to motivate themselves.

So...how do you motivate your child? The answer is very simple, make sure their love cup is full and/or overflowing! Focus on making sure they feel loved, which means making sure they know you accept them just as they are. Make sure they know you love them regardless of what their grades are.

Some parents will argue that that would be rewarding a bad behavior. The only thing I can say is that what you have been trying hasn't been working which is why you're still looking for a solution. And if what you have been trying hasn't worked, why not try something different.

Joshua, by the way, graduated from college in June 2008 with a very high GPA.

The Love Cup is Now Available!

Buy a Love Cup!





Each mug comes with the following insert:


Love is something we all want and need. I like to think we all have a love cup. When it's full, we are kind, considerate, motivated, funny and have enough to share with others. When it's empty we are mean, selfish, rude, not motivated, get angry easily and feel miserable. Our kids are no different. If they toddlers, for example, they throw temper tantrums. I challenge you to see beyond the behavior in your children, spouse, partner, co-workers, parents, friends, etc., and see that the real problem is an empty love cup.


"How's Your Love Cup?" is a tool that can be used to assess how your loved ones are doing/feeling. The first time I used it on my oldest son he was five and his answer was "it's down to here!" while pointing to his ankles - he was not having a good day. I proceeded to say "Oh! well then you need some hugs and kisses!.....now where is it?" "Now it's up to here" and he pointed to his stomach. That meant he still wanted more hugs and kisses. After a few more, I asked again "where is it?" "Up to here", he said with a big grin as he pointed to his neck. Now, my kids use it on me! When I'm not being nice (which has been known to happen on rare occasions), they'll say "Mom, your love cup must be empty!" and they'll proceed to ask if I need a hug. So, go ahead and use this mug to remind you to check how your loved ones are doing. By the way, in my opinion, this is the solution to bad grades.

Feel free to share your success stories with me at: howsyourlovecup@comcast.net


Everyone who has tried it says it works like magic on both adults and kids alike.

Each mug is $9.95 + S&H

To order, email your request to: howsyourlovecup@comcast.net

Please include the quantity, your name, mailing address and email.

You will then receive an invoice from PayPal, informing you of your options on how to pay.

The mugs will be shipped to the mailing address you provide.

Note: All proceeds will go to a charitable cause. The current cause is building wells in Mozambique in June 2009.

Thank you for sharing my vision to make this world a better place - both in your sphere of influence and across the world!

A Great Way to Check in with your Teenager

Last night (which is what I think finally motivated me to get this up) I asked Andrew (my 13 year old), "So, how's your love cup?" He smiled and said, "Hmmm....I'd say it's up to my shoulders." "Your shoulders, ay? so it's good..." He answered with a sly smile, "Yeah, it's good, but there's always room for improvement."

It's a great way to check in with someone, anyone. It's kind of like asking "How are you", but really meaning it.

SHARING IS CARING

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