Before class started the other day, I was talking to a 12 year old girl and her mom.  (Yes…..she brought her daughter to the class!  I love when both parents and child hear the same thing!)  The week before I had shared the LoveCup concept so I asked the mom if she had used it and if she could tell me about it.  She said she had used it with the 3 year old and that things had improved, but that she had not gotten herself to use it on her 12 year old daughter and she laughed nervously.   I said, “why don’t we ask her right now?”  I turned to the daughter and asked, “so…how’s your Lovecup?”  She said “to here” and pointed to her stomach.  I said, “oh, so it’s about half full?”  I told the mom, “ah ha! That means you have to fill it up when you get home!”  The mom said something that let me know she didn’t know where to start, so I asked the daughter: “what is something your mom could do that would fill it up?”  She said, “bake cupcakes with me.”  The mom then said, “she always wants to make cookies, but they have too much sugar”.  Her husband had just joined us and he chimed in by pointing out that here the daughter was telling her exactly how to fill her Lovecup and she was dismissing it and making an excuse that didn’t even make sense.  I told the mom that if I was the kid what would really fill my Lovecup was if I got a commitment on a timeframe for when we would make the cupcakes.  She then giggled and said, “ok, we’ll see….I guess we can make cupcakes…. if there’s enough time”.  I told her if I was the kid, that would empty my Lovecup because there is never enough time, other things always come up.  I told her that for my Lovecup to be filled, I’d need to hear something like “ok, we can make cupcakes, but I can’t go shopping to get what we need until Friday, but we’ll make them on Saturday.”   

"What do you mean?" One of my favorite questions....

Andrew turned 16 at the end of February last year  ( I wrote this last year, but didn't post it.) and is fairly independent with it comes to homework.  In fact, one of the things he said tonight was "you  know...I don't really remember you ever being on me to do my homework".  I jokingly said, "I already have a job".  I told him it was one of those things that was his responsibilities...but that's not what I wanted to write about!

I was in my bedroom on my laptop editing a one-page letter for my son Matthew when Andrew came and asked, "are you working?"  I told him I was working on Matthew's letter and he said, "well, come do it over here with us".  A little later, he came in the room and laid down on the floor next to my bed (where I couldn't see his face) and he said he was losing his integrity.  The first thing I wanted to say was "well, it's those two guys you've been hanging around!"  but luckily I remembered my own advice that if I want any kind of chance at influencing him, I need to try to understand what he is feeling.

So instead I asked, "what do you mean?"  He went on to explain he was behind with his homework, that he had started cussing with certain friends, and then continued with "all I know is that 'good guys finish last'".  Again, I asked, "what do you mean?"  He said, "well, that's not necessarily my point of view, but it's what I hear".  "Do you believe that", I asked.  Is that what you want to be known for?  Is that your goal?  (Those are standard questions!  haha)

We then started talking about the week.  Sunday night we had stayed up really late.  Tuesday we went to my nieces birthday party and got home really late and Wednesday...last night, we went out to dinner at Benihana's to celebrate our last dinner with Joshua, my oldest son, who was on "leave" from the Army.  He left today.

This made him realize he was exhausted and that he had not been getting enough sleep.  He snuck out of my room without much fanfare and I went back to finishing the letter.

When I finished, I went out to the kitchen, where they were doing their homework, and sat at the table and started flipping though catalogs.  There was the occasional "how do you spell ______?"  I was impressed that he was doing his list of biology vocabulary words (from memory) with words like allele, genotype, phenotype, homozygous, and heterzygous! He finished that, took out another assignment, finished that and before I knew it he had finished three subjects!  I then said, "You know what I feel good about....that you want my presence."  He said, "It helps!"  I then told him, I hope you remember this when you are a father.  Don't just yell out to your kids to do their homework.   Go read a book so you can be near them". 

Amazing how much our teenage boys want and need us!!

Just finished giving a workshop on communication and ironically, I left feeling like I was not able to communicate which is why I feel compelled to attempt to express myself in writing.

My main point was that we can set up an environment where our kids want our advice.  However, in order to do that, we have to do the opposite of what we are inclined to do.  Instead of “preaching to them” …I mean….giving them the wonderful advice we have because we “know” (After all, we’ve been there and we don’t want them to learn the hard way, we want to help them avoid mistakes we see a mile away.)  What we need to do is try to understand why they want to do something, why they want what they say they want, or why they like something.    Some of you know, I’ve been in pharmaceutical sales for the past 14 years and in the business world, we call it “consultative selling”.  We focus on what the customer needs, not on what we are selling.  We try to understand their needs.  Can you imagine if I spent 5 minutes going on and on about how good my product is only to be interrupted by the doctor who says “that’s very interesting, but I don’t treat patients with HIV”.   Useless, right?  That’s how useless it is to give our kids advice before we try to understand them or maybe I should say before they feel understood.

When we feel understood, we are open to hearing others’ suggestions/their advice.  When we do not feel understood, we slam the door shut.

Isn’t this the main complaint a lot of women have about their husbands.  Wives say they can’t talk to their husbands about anything without them telling them what to do…that they just want to vent…that their husbands go into “fix-it” mode and start giving them solutions.  They are trying to help, just like we are trying to help when we do that to our children, but we don’t want to be told what to do.  It feels controlling.  Nobody wants to be told what to do, including our kids.  Our job is to help our kids learn to trust themselves…learn to trust the decisions they make.

We women are naturals at listening, right?! Maybe, maybe not.  Either way, we all need to resist giving them the solution.  Make them think!  Deep inside we all know what to do; help them find the answer.  We have the key that opens the door to our children's heart which will in turn make them want our advice..as long as they feel understood.  

Listening to them, truly trying to understand why they want those shorts that show their butt cheeks dos not mean you have to buy them!  We all want to be understood so bad (yes, them and you both) that we don't even "care" if we get what we were asking for.  We're OK with it, as long as we feel they understood us.  It's all part of respecting your children.  What do they say...if we want respect, we need to give respect.  

Some of the questions/statements I’ve used with my sons effectively are:

·         “what do you think?”

·         “why do you like that?” “what do you like about that?”

·         “Help me understand…I just don’t see it”

·         “if you were a father, would you let your 10 year old do that?" (yes…my sons loved me for this one! NOT)

·         “If you had a daughter and someone did that to your daughter, would that be ok with you?  If not…why is it ok that they do that to you?”

WHO I AM MAKES A DIFFERENCE

The following story has been circulating for a while, but I think it's worth posting in case you haven't seen it.  Please let your child know that who they are makes a difference to you.  Below is the narrative, but if you would rather watch it, click here:
http://www.acknowledgmentmovie.com/

  

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made. Using a program developed by Helice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”®

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week. One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.

He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, “Well, sure.”

The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, “Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, “The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I’m a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says ‘Who I Am Makes A Difference’ on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this and I thought about you. I want to honor you.

“My days are really hectic and when I come home I don’t pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You’re a great kid and I love you!”

The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn’t stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, “I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn’t think you loved me. Now I don’t need to.”

http://www.differencemakersinternational.org/

Installing Love – How-To Instructions

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
Customer: I don’t know how to. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error – Program not run on external components.” What should I do?
Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running.
One more thing before we hang up.
Love is Freeware.
Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you, God.
CREATOR, aka, Tech Support: You’re Welcome, Anytime.

Source:  http://arielleford.com/

Family First

Chocolate and Chalk Art Festival – Free

Chocolate...art...chocolate...music...chocolate...clowns … and more chocolate.  The Chocolate & Chalk Art Festival will take place on the streets of Berkeley June 11, 2011 (rescheduled from June 4 due to rain). And... it’s free! 

If, however, you would like to taste the chocolate, it will cost you — $10 for a packet of 10 tasting tickets. The to-go menu features organic raw dark chocolate mousse, chocolate ganache cupcakes, Nutella crepes, brownies, chocolate ricotta pizza, and Caribbean chocolate soup. 

“The sidewalks along North Shattuck Avenue in the Gourmet Ghetto in Berkeley are the target of artists young and old, professional and greenhorn during the 14th annual CHOCOLATE & CHALK ART FESTIVAL. With no fees to artists, areas of sidewalk will be assigned to participants to create their own fanciful chalk drawings.”

WHAT: Chocolate & Chalk Art Festival free admission.

WHEN: June 11, 2011, 10am-5pm. (A Chalk Art Contest for the best drawing will be judged after 4 pm.)

WHERE: The sidewalks along North Shattuck Ave, Berkeley, CA.