No Whining…..

Whining is a learned behavior. Babies cry when they need something. Toddlers do not have the vocabulary to express their needs/wants/feelings so whining becomes their way of communicating. By the time they can talk, however, children have realized that whining is an effective strategy to get what they want. If parents don’t recognize this, this becomes their way of communicating and can be quite annoying. So, how do we help our children “unlearn” how to whine. I have heard and read of all kinds of tips ranging from establishing “no whining” rules, to giving rewards for not whining, to saying something like “I can’t understand you when you talk with that voice; use your normal voice” to setting up a time for the child to complain. While these sound good, these tips were not enough, it was like dealing with the symptom instead of the problem.
As you may know by now…our children can be our greatest teachers. So, like with everything else, look at yourself first. Are you a whiner? When you trip over your kids’ shoes do you say “you always leave your shoes everywhere!” vs. “I want you to pick up your shoes right now”. If you feel disconnected from your husband do you say “we never go out any more” vs. “I would like you to take me out to dinner”. I think you get the point.
In my opinion, we whine/complain because we have not learned to say what we want. However, the bigger problem might be figuring out what we want. In order to say what you want, you need to first think about what you actually want. Before you start complaining about something, ask yourself “what is it that I really want?” The key here is recognizing that saying what you don’t want or like isn’t allowed. You need to figure out what you want and then say it.
You can help your children do the same thing. The next time they are complaining, say “stop, tell me what you want”. Their answers may surprise you. I remember one time, Andrew was 3 or 4 and was complaining, almost to the point of having a tantrum. I was able to get his attention and say “stop, tell me what you want”. When he answered “a glass of milk”, I couldn’t believe that was all he wanted.
So be on your guard for whining, from children and yourself, and get in the habit of saying, “Ok, what do I want” or “tell me what you want”. By doing this, you will not only eliminate the whining, you will be teaching your child to be part of the solution! A manager’s dream employee would be one who comes to him/her with solutions, right? In addition, you will be teaching your child to focus on the positive rather than on the negative. Don’t focus on what you don’t want, focus on what you want!
If we don’t learn to say what we want, as we get older, our efforts become more sophisticated, with the addition of manipulation techniques to our whining strategy, in an effort to increase our effectiveness in getting what we want. We have all been manipulative and/or have encountered manipulative people and know it’s not a good thing. So, again, I encourage you to do yourself and your child a huge favor and learn to recognize this behavior and change it in yourself and in your children.