"I don’t want to give Joshua my quarters"

I’ve always liked to write and today, I came across something I wrote on March 15, 1998, thirteen years ago!  My boys were 3, 4 (Matthew was almost 5) and 13.  I thought I would share it.  “To make a long story short, I bought a book called “Reality Discipline” – it just sounded good.  Anyway, it turned out to be Bible-based and it has given me some really good practical ideas that have really worked!  It’s amazing actually.  For example, it said that if a child has a temper tantrum to pick him up, put him in a room (a private place) and tell him that when he is done he can join you again.  Well Andrew (3) wasn’t throwing a temper tantrum per say, but he was being very fussy at the table; he didn’t want anything and I was offering him different things and of course, he didn’t want any of it.  All of a sudden I picked him up and took him to the room and told him when he was happy he could come out.  He came out like 15 seconds later announcing he was happy now and he ate.  Another thing that worked was this:  I told Matthew to help Josh pick up the living room by picking up the toys.  He said very matter of factly, that he did not want to.  I said, “OK, Matthew, that’s OK, you just sit down right here while Josh picks up the living room and we’ll give Josh two of your quarters for having to do your job OK?”  His response was, “Oh no, mom, I will pick up the toys; thank you for telling me that…I don’t want to give Joshua my quarters.”  With Josh I’d set up the rule that I take 50 cents away for every chore he forgot.  Right now, it’s just brushing his teeth, practicing his flute, making his bed and leaving no clothes on the floor.  The first week he lost $2.00, but he hasn’t been docked for two weeks!  The hardest part is not reminding him to do something.  One time it was 8:30pm when he remembered he hadn’t practiced his flute.  Anyway, I’m really pleasantly surprised.”

No Further Comment Needed

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How Can You Say No To This Face?

Some of our kids are endowed with special powers.  Powers of persuasion, powers of influencing, powers to see solutions where seemingly non-existent, and powers of perseverance against all odds.  These are not necessarily bad things.  They can be very useful as adults and are usually possessed by leaders vs. followers.

 However, since we are their parents, it is up to us to help them learn how and when to use these powers.  The bad thing for us is that we get the brunt of their practicing experience and while we certainly don’t want to squelch these characteristics, we want them to understand that sometimes, the answer is “no” or that “no, we are not going to change our mind” or “yes, we are going to go through with the consequence”.     Given their level of expertise in the area of persuasion and/or the level of passion for their desire, this may be easier said than done.

I am here, however, to tell you to let your no be no.  In my case, it was my youngest son, Andrew, who wanted to see how strong I was and/or how strong he was.  Following through on keeping my word, either about what they could or couldn’t do or about consequences was not something that was easy for me or that came naturally.  On some level I knew it was important to follow through, but I remember waffling frequently until one day, my oldest son, Joshua, made the following statement and following conversation ensued.

“Mom, you must really hate Andrew.”

“What?!!  Why would you say that?!  How could you say that?!”

“Well…you let him get away with murder.  You are creating a monster and no one is going to like him.”

I realized then and there that I needed to pay special attention to what I was doing with Andrew, lest I create a monster.  I saw the big picture and realized he was exactly right and that the way I was behaving was in direct opposition to the goal I had in mind for my son Andrew.  It was all the encouragement I needed and I have never forgotten that.

I have now also realized that the consequences of not following through are huge!  Children of parents who do not keep their word become huge risk takers.  Children are very observant and learn quite quickly that their parent(s) has the tendency to “cave in”.  They are also very good at analyzing data and making projections with that data.  They do this to determine what their chances are of getting away with things.  They soon learn that they have say a 50/50 chance or a 70/30 chance or an 80/20 chance. Pretty smart kids we have….aren’t they?!   

One problem with this is that they learn to take risks and as they grow up, these could be life-endangering risks…..besides….they might get caught or they might not get caught.  These risks could range from speeding, to running red lights, to experimenting with drugs/alcohol/sex, stealing, lying, etc., etc. 

Another problem is these children turn into adults that do not trust people.  Like I said these kids are very smart and they figure out that if they can’t trust their parents, they surely can’t trust anyone else.  I’m sure we can all think of scenarios where not trusting people is not conducive to healthy friendships, relationships, marriage, business partnerships, etc.   Not trusting people also results in not asking for help when help is needed. 

Finally, another result of “giving in” is that they do not learn to obey which equals having no respect for authority, (ranging from God to parents to employers) which in turn produces teenagers and/or adults who struggle with responsibility.  

As if all of the above were not bad enough, there is yet another result which I consider extremely sad.  Sad because children whose parents do not follow-up consistently are not motivated.  They are not motivated to try their best – at home, at school, and/or at work.  Why should they bother, if their parents might or might not notice that their homework got done or that the chores got done? 
If you are looking to raise God-fearing kids, kids who respect their parents and kids who are gainfully employed, so I urge you to think about the results of your actions the next time they wear you down and you feel tempted to give in to their persuasive power.  

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A Family Mission Statement

What, a family mission statement?!! Companies have mission statements and they understand the power of having a mission statement. Families can have mission statements too! A mission statement will create a powerful bonding between parents and children, between husbands and wives that simply does not exist when there’s no sense of shared vision and values. A clear sense of a shared vision and values enables you to hold each other accountable without conflict. It also enables both you and your children to self-regulate. But most importantly through a family mission statement you can let your children and or spouse know that you are totally committed to them, that you have been from the moment they came into your life and that the bond has never been broken and never will be broken and that nothing can happen that will ever break it. Below are three steps to help you develop your own family mission statement.

Step 1: Explore What Your Family is All About.

What is the purpose of our family?
What kind of family do we want to be?
What kinds of things do we want to do?
What kind of feelings do we want to have in our home?
What kind of relationships do we want to have with one another?
How do we want to treat one another and speak to one another?
What things are truly important to us as a family?
What are our family’s highest priority goals?
What are the unique talents, gifts, abilities of family members?
What are our responsibilities as family members?
What are the principles and guidelines we want our family to follow?
Which families inspire us and why do we admire them?
How can we contribute to society as a family and become more service-oriented?

Ground Rules
• Listen with respect
• Restate accurately to show you understand
• Write down all the ideas

Step 2: Write Your Family Mission Statement
I have listed examples below, however, I think it’s best to try to come up with you own! One suggestion is to:
• Give everyone ten 3x5 cards
• Everyone write ten words on each card, share the cards.
• Now, give everyone ten votes. The ten cards with the most votes win.
• Write a sentence using each word or write a paragraph using all ten words.


Step 3: Use It to Stay on Track
A family mission statement serves as a huge magnet that keeps attracting family members to the route that leads to your destination.

EXAMPLES:
The mission of our family is to create a nurturing place of faith, order, truth, love, happiness and relaxation, and to provide opportunity for each individual to become responsibly independent, and effectively interdependent, in order to serve worthy purposes in society.

If your children are really small, you might want to go with something really simple like:
We do not hurt others.
We do not hurt things.
We do not hurt ourselves.

Our family mission is to:
Value honesty with ourselves and others.
Create an environment where each of us can find support and encouragement in achieving our life’s goals.
Respect and accept each person’s unique personality and talents.
Promote a loving, kind, and happy atmosphere.
Support family endeavors that better society.
Maintain patience through understanding.
Always resolve conflicts with each other rather than harboring anger.
Promote the realization of life’s treasures.

Our family mission:
To love each other…
To help each other…
To believe in each other…
To wisely use our time, talents, and resources to bless other…
To worship together…
Forever.

Our home will be a place where our family, friends, and guests find joy, comfort, peace and happiness. We will seek to create a clean and orderly environment that is livable and comfortable. We will exercise wisdom in what we choose to eat, read, see, and do at home. We want to teach our children to love, learn, laugh, and to work and develop their unique talents.

Our family is happy and has fun together.
We all feel secure and feel a sense of belonging. We support each other fully in our seen and unseen potential. We show unconditional love in our family and inspiration for each other. We are a family where we can continually grow in mental, physical, social/emotional and spiritual ways.
We discuss and discover all aspects of life.
We nurture all life forms and protect the environment.
We are a family that serves each other and the community.
We are a family of cleanliness and order.
We believe that diversity of race and culture is a gift.
We appreciate the grace of God.
We hope to leave a legacy of the strength and importance of families.

Our family mission:
To always be kind, respectful, and supportive of each other,
To be honest and open with each other,
To keep a spiritual feeling in the home,
To love each other unconditionally,
To be responsible to live a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life,
To make this house a place we want to come home to.

Or....you could write a phrase that starts with each letter of your last name, write a poem, or make a piece of art...it could be anything! It's your very own mission statement for your very own family.


Source: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey.

Your Family Tree

My son Andrew's homework tonight was to put together a family tree. It was interesting to me that he is now very motivated to fill in all the blanks. He wants to know who's who. I should explain that my mother comes from a family of 12 which means I have a lot of cousins, who now all have kids, as do I, who are practically grown. My point in sharing this is that I came across a great website that makes it very easy to create a family tree. You can fill in names, add pictures, include emails so other family members can fill in more blanks, etc., etc., etc. Check it out and have fun! http://www.myheritage.com/page/family-tree-template

Girls are like Apples on Trees....

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way
to the top of the tree.
borrowed from megan