Monday, March 11, 2013

Stop trying to go to the past...



Stop trying to go to the past...

Sometimes when our kids make mistakes (ok, BIG mistakes...like the kind that land them in juvenile hall for 45 days and house arrest fro 6 months) we keep telling them why we can't or don't trust them anymore.  

In my classes, I explain, that try as hard as they may...our kids can't go back in time; they can't undo what they did.  In fact, no one can!  It does no good to focus on the past, i.e., what already happened.  I would go as far as saying that it really doesn't even help to try to understand why someone did something.  Some things are incomprehensible and I'm not even sure, I want to understand.

What is helpful is to focus on the future.  Focus on preventing something from happening again.  If it was a spilled glass of milk, make sure you give them a sippy cup the next time.  

I met with a family this morning and I actually used that example and the father's response was, "Ok...let's use a real example....she's always bringing up the past".  Based on her (his wife) side of the story, she had good reason to be bringing up the past, but that does not change the fact that it doesn't help their current situation.  I first asked them if they agreed that bringing up the past did not help and was not a good thing.  They both agreed.  I then asked them if they would both like to stop bringing up the past.  Again, they both agreed.  Yay...the hard part was over (agreeing on a common goal)!  The only thing left was "how".  Since I think consequences are the answer to everything (oh yeah...and a full LoveCup!), I explained the idea of using consequences to help them change.  Here are the consequences they came up with.  If she catches him bringing up the past, he has to give her a 20 shoulder/back rub.  If he catches her bringing up the past, she has to sit on the front stairs and have a time out!  I laughed and couldn't believe she was going to agree to that, but she was fine with it because "I'm just not going to bring up the past, anymore....", she said confidently.  And that.....is the goal!


BTW...what I saw was a beautiful young mom and a very handsome young man, both 21 wanting to make it better. I saw a mom, who inspite of clearly having had a rough childhood, is now the loving mom of a 2 month old, a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old; a mom who fought for her 2 yr and didn't abort her; a mom who sought out help; and a young man who is confident and is taking responsibility for taking care of his family; who is not running from the difficult situation they are in right now; I also saw a lot of great parenting going on; I saw a 4 year old who is determined and an expert negotiator - that means he has great self-esteem!

SHARING IS CARING

 
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)