Do you spoil your child?

To me spoiling our children with material things is not the issue.  Personally, as a first generation Mexican who worked in the fields up until the age of 15, I am grateful for the education and the job I have which has provided me with the privilege of buying my sons what they need and yes, even want.

The issue is teaching or not teaching them to be grateful.  Children who are taught to be grateful are happy children!  Being grateful is the key to happiness.  If you are   grateful you will be happy with a million dollars or with ten.   If you are not grateful you not be happy with a million dollars and much less with ten.

Practicing gratefulness also goes a long way toward preventing depression

For more info on this see a previous blog of mine:  http://howsyourlovecup.blogspot.com/search?q=grateful

Bundle.com ranted cities based on the percentage spend above or below the US average.  To see how your city ranked go to: http://www.bundle.com/article/cities-spoil-their-kids-most/

SHARING IS CARING

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I need a "melted heart" emoticon...

Thought I'd share a journal entry of mine written in July 2011. Matthew was 18 and dating a girl called Vanessa.  


"I'm still thinking about how nice it was to take a walk with Matthew.  He said so many amazing things.

He said he shared a poem with Vanessa, but that she just came out and said she didn't like it -  that she liked more complex poems....so he shared a more complex poem with her and her response was "yeah...that's more like it".

He said he learned it was not wise to share all of your inner-most thoughts with people you are just dating....he said it might conflict with the perception they have of you and that they don't have the benefit of fully knowing where you are coming from.  I asked so is that kind of watching me be "nice" to someone you've heard me say I don't like.  He was very kind....he said, "well, it's different, with you mom, cuz we respect you so much, we know where you're coming from:"....melted heart...

He also said that when he shared his insights/wisdom with her, she often said nothing and that it left him feeling dumb.  He then added, "mom, you spoiled me!"  cuz when he says something insightful and wise I get super excited....I told him he needs to find his one fan!    I can't help being totally blown away by their insights....like these!

He also said that it's not what someone has accomplished, it's their integrity that we're looking for...when looking at someone for a relationship."


By the way, I use http://ohlife.com/

SHARING IS CARING

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"we're having sex".....WHAT?!!!!

A young mom with her 6 year old came in and sat down at the computer next to me while at Fedex this morning.  What I heard brought back a memory I’d like to share.  Her 6 year old son was clearly bored and was trying to “be good”.  The mother was using her calm exasperated voice with him.  He was trying to tell her something and she was not listening.   He then said something about spitballs.  The funny thing was that after a little while he asked, “what are spitballs?”

Andrew must have been around 5.  Andrew and Matthew shared a bedroom; their bedroom was just big enough for two twin beds to fit separated by a small side table.  Jacob, his cousin was over and they were playing when I noticed the “quietness”.  That moment when you realize you hear nothing.  I went to see what they were doing.  The were clearly startled which caused me concern, but I gingerly asked, “so what are you guys playing?”  “oh nothing...”, said Andrew as they squirmed and giggled.  “oh, come on…tell me!” I said.  “no….”, Andrew said with a shy laugh and nervously looked at each other.  After begging for them to tell me, Andrew finally said, “let’s tell her…”.  “ok, tell me”, I said.  “ok, but promise you won’t get mad”.  {Geez! Just tell me already!}  “ok,……………………..we were having sex”, he said.  WHAT!!! I wanted to scream!!  But instead, I said in a very calm and non chalant voice, “oh?.......and how were you doing it?”, I asked.  “well, first we took off our clothes..then he got in Matthew’s bed and I got in my bed and then we wiggled all around” he said as he proceeded to show me how they wriggled all around.

Boy was I glad I controlled myself and asked how!

SHARING IS CARING

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Before class started the other day, I was talking to a 12 year old girl and her mom.  (Yes…..she brought her daughter to the class!  I love when both parents and child hear the same thing!)  The week before I had shared the LoveCup concept so I asked the mom if she had used it and if she could tell me about it.  She said she had used it with the 3 year old and that things had improved, but that she had not gotten herself to use it on her 12 year old daughter and she laughed nervously.   I said, “why don’t we ask her right now?”  I turned to the daughter and asked, “so…how’s your Lovecup?”  She said “to here” and pointed to her stomach.  I said, “oh, so it’s about half full?”  I told the mom, “ah ha! That means you have to fill it up when you get home!”  The mom said something that let me know she didn’t know where to start, so I asked the daughter: “what is something your mom could do that would fill it up?”  She said, “bake cupcakes with me.”  The mom then said, “she always wants to make cookies, but they have too much sugar”.  Her husband had just joined us and he chimed in by pointing out that here the daughter was telling her exactly how to fill her Lovecup and she was dismissing it and making an excuse that didn’t even make sense.  I told the mom that if I was the kid what would really fill my Lovecup was if I got a commitment on a timeframe for when we would make the cupcakes.  She then giggled and said, “ok, we’ll see….I guess we can make cupcakes…. if there’s enough time”.  I told her if I was the kid, that would empty my Lovecup because there is never enough time, other things always come up.  I told her that for my Lovecup to be filled, I’d need to hear something like “ok, we can make cupcakes, but I can’t go shopping to get what we need until Friday, but we’ll make them on Saturday.”   

"What do you mean?" One of my favorite questions....

Andrew turned 16 at the end of February last year  ( I wrote this last year, but didn't post it.) and is fairly independent with it comes to homework.  In fact, one of the things he said tonight was "you  know...I don't really remember you ever being on me to do my homework".  I jokingly said, "I already have a job".  I told him it was one of those things that was his responsibilities...but that's not what I wanted to write about!

I was in my bedroom on my laptop editing a one-page letter for my son Matthew when Andrew came and asked, "are you working?"  I told him I was working on Matthew's letter and he said, "well, come do it over here with us".  A little later, he came in the room and laid down on the floor next to my bed (where I couldn't see his face) and he said he was losing his integrity.  The first thing I wanted to say was "well, it's those two guys you've been hanging around!"  but luckily I remembered my own advice that if I want any kind of chance at influencing him, I need to try to understand what he is feeling.

So instead I asked, "what do you mean?"  He went on to explain he was behind with his homework, that he had started cussing with certain friends, and then continued with "all I know is that 'good guys finish last'".  Again, I asked, "what do you mean?"  He said, "well, that's not necessarily my point of view, but it's what I hear".  "Do you believe that", I asked.  Is that what you want to be known for?  Is that your goal?  (Those are standard questions!  haha)

We then started talking about the week.  Sunday night we had stayed up really late.  Tuesday we went to my nieces birthday party and got home really late and Wednesday...last night, we went out to dinner at Benihana's to celebrate our last dinner with Joshua, my oldest son, who was on "leave" from the Army.  He left today.

This made him realize he was exhausted and that he had not been getting enough sleep.  He snuck out of my room without much fanfare and I went back to finishing the letter.

When I finished, I went out to the kitchen, where they were doing their homework, and sat at the table and started flipping though catalogs.  There was the occasional "how do you spell ______?"  I was impressed that he was doing his list of biology vocabulary words (from memory) with words like allele, genotype, phenotype, homozygous, and heterzygous! He finished that, took out another assignment, finished that and before I knew it he had finished three subjects!  I then said, "You know what I feel good about....that you want my presence."  He said, "It helps!"  I then told him, I hope you remember this when you are a father.  Don't just yell out to your kids to do their homework.   Go read a book so you can be near them". 

Amazing how much our teenage boys want and need us!!

Just finished giving a workshop on communication and ironically, I left feeling like I was not able to communicate which is why I feel compelled to attempt to express myself in writing.

My main point was that we can set up an environment where our kids want our advice.  However, in order to do that, we have to do the opposite of what we are inclined to do.  Instead of “preaching to them” …I mean….giving them the wonderful advice we have because we “know” (After all, we’ve been there and we don’t want them to learn the hard way, we want to help them avoid mistakes we see a mile away.)  What we need to do is try to understand why they want to do something, why they want what they say they want, or why they like something.    Some of you know, I’ve been in pharmaceutical sales for the past 14 years and in the business world, we call it “consultative selling”.  We focus on what the customer needs, not on what we are selling.  We try to understand their needs.  Can you imagine if I spent 5 minutes going on and on about how good my product is only to be interrupted by the doctor who says “that’s very interesting, but I don’t treat patients with HIV”.   Useless, right?  That’s how useless it is to give our kids advice before we try to understand them or maybe I should say before they feel understood.

When we feel understood, we are open to hearing others’ suggestions/their advice.  When we do not feel understood, we slam the door shut.

Isn’t this the main complaint a lot of women have about their husbands.  Wives say they can’t talk to their husbands about anything without them telling them what to do…that they just want to vent…that their husbands go into “fix-it” mode and start giving them solutions.  They are trying to help, just like we are trying to help when we do that to our children, but we don’t want to be told what to do.  It feels controlling.  Nobody wants to be told what to do, including our kids.  Our job is to help our kids learn to trust themselves…learn to trust the decisions they make.

We women are naturals at listening, right?! Maybe, maybe not.  Either way, we all need to resist giving them the solution.  Make them think!  Deep inside we all know what to do; help them find the answer.  We have the key that opens the door to our children's heart which will in turn make them want our advice..as long as they feel understood.  

Listening to them, truly trying to understand why they want those shorts that show their butt cheeks dos not mean you have to buy them!  We all want to be understood so bad (yes, them and you both) that we don't even "care" if we get what we were asking for.  We're OK with it, as long as we feel they understood us.  It's all part of respecting your children.  What do they say...if we want respect, we need to give respect.  

Some of the questions/statements I’ve used with my sons effectively are:

·         “what do you think?”

·         “why do you like that?” “what do you like about that?”

·         “Help me understand…I just don’t see it”

·         “if you were a father, would you let your 10 year old do that?" (yes…my sons loved me for this one! NOT)

·         “If you had a daughter and someone did that to your daughter, would that be ok with you?  If not…why is it ok that they do that to you?”