“It’s considered neglect...”

 A mom called me yesterday to say she found out her 16 year old son was smoking pot in their house and when confronted, got mad and was threatening to run away.  She wanted to know what to do.  Personally, if it had been my son, I would have said, “fine, leave”.  However, I told her I wanted to check with someone and would call her back.  Since I get referrals from probation officers, I called one of them and asked his opinion.  He said that if a kid wants to leave, a parent cannot generally, keep him from leaving.  However, if that kid runs away, the parent is now responsible for reporting the missing kid, otherwise, it’s considered neglect.

This brings up soooo…. many thoughts.  This is the same mother who has not reported violence that should have been reported.  To me this is kid who has not matured past the “ME…ME…ME” stage.  

That really is a stage, but the normal age range is 0-4 years old.  

Our job as parents is “to grow our kids / to mature our kids”.  I know…that doesn’t make sense, but what I’m trying to say is that it is our job to help them progress through these stages (see below).  When a baby is hungry and cries, he screams until you come running with the bottle or whatever he wants.  The screaming is intolerable and we do whatever it takes to get them to stop.  A child in this stage in incapable of thinking about  anyone else's needs but his own.  He doesn't care if you are tired, if you are hungry, if you are sick, if his brother is humgry, etc.  He doesn't stop until he gets what he wants...and that's OK.....at this stage....

The mother of this kid told me that when the son is having a fit, (except in this case it’s camouflaged as extreme anger), the father tells her to give him what he wants “can’t you see how upset he is?”  

Last week, the cover of Time Magazine caught my eye.  I have not read the article, but I'm not sure how a child who is not capable of thinking of others' needs is going to "save us all".  

In my classes, we learn about the different stages and how to move through each stage.

SHARING IS CARING

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Let's watch it in slow motion....

This is a film called Wings of Life by Louie Schwartzberg.  If you are amazed by nature, this is a must...it is also a must to watch with your kids.  I heard Louie say in a talk that when he was young, he didn't have much money, but he had time and a sense of wonder.  So he started taking pictures - time lapsed photography.  He said it would take him a month to shoot a four minute roll of film..."cuz that's all I could afford".  ENJOY....

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/video/2bJCk3
And while you are at it, watch his talk on gratitude. It shows time-lapsed flowers....
http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/01/12/the-hidden-beauty-of-pollination/

SHARING IS CARING

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Happy Mother's Day

Thinking about Mother's Day...It's not easy...

“I don’t believe in rewards”

What?!  You don’t believe in rewards? 

Nope, I not only do not believe in rewards, I consider it bribing, which is why I don’t believe in rewards.  First of all, rewards have very short term effects, extremely short-term.  I’m not looking for short-term results, I want long-term.  Second, rewards just get more and more expensive.  Thirdly, before we know it, kids are now blackmailing us!  Fourth, and most importantly….giving rewards is not preparing them for real-life and my goal is to prepare them for real-life.

The other day, I met with this mom and her son….same old problem…in fact, it seems to be everyone’s problem….”my son is not going to school”….”my daughter does not want to go to school”...etc., etc.”  (I’ll have to write about the reasons they’ve given later….)  Anyway, we were negotiating on what a good consequence might be and he kept saying….”yeah, but what am I gonna get?”  I kept trying to bring him back to negotiating a consequence, but he kept trying to find out what he was going to get.

Finally I said, “There is no reward.  If I go in the carpool lane when I am not supposed to, I get a ticket.  Since I don’t want a $400 ticket, I stay out of the carpool lane when I am alone, but I don’t get a reward for staying where I am supposed to stay!”  

 I do, however, make a distinction between rewards and bonuses and I do believe in bonuses! 

SHARING IS CARING

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Smile / Sonríe

I bet you this will not only make them smile, it'll make them want to eat it!
Te apuesto que no solo van a sonreír, se lo van a querer comer!

'see....no one can change' a 16 yr high school student

'see...no one can change....'  This is what Luis, a 16 old boy said during my meeting with him and his parents. 
We were trying to come up with a consequence to help him go to school, i.e., not cut class. 
But those words are what struck me.   He learned this from someone / somewhere.  My question to you is: Do you believe you can change? 
If we believe we can't change, our kids will believe they can't change.  A lot of us believe we can't do anything about what happens to us in life so the coping strategy we adopt is to accept whatever life throws at you.  You may as well be a dart board and just sit there and take it. 
The worse part about our bad habits is that we are always teaching our kids...whether we mean to our not.  And I don't know about too, but I don't want my kids to feel helpless....like a dartboard.
This kid literally felt he could not change.  He had been led to believe he could NOT change.  
We struggled a lot to find a consequence that would motivate him to get up! And get to school and go to class! 
I'm happy to report he succeeded!! He got up this whole week and went to his classes... :)
I should also share that his father also agreed to a consequence.  The goal for him was to stop waking his son up. 
Oh....and by the way..every time you wake up your child, this is the message you are sending:   You are not capable of getting up on time.   You can't change.  You'll forget.  You are incompetent. I don't trust you (to get up).
Oh my goodness.......so by waking them up I am teaching them they can't change....
Yes...and a  lot of other negative things.
So,.yes, it is possible too change.   Can you imagine playing a video game with your son or daughter and having fun?!!!

 

SHARING IS CARING

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So sad....

A mom told me today:  My oldest son was told, "sell drugs for us or we’ll beat you up”.  The son answered, “fine, beat me up…I’m not selling drugs.”  

A mom:  "I want the police to check the security guards at the schools...they are the ones with the drugs."

I asked a 16 year old, "how many people would you say use drugs in your school?"  Answer:  "80-90%

SHARING IS CARING

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