"I don’t want to give Joshua my quarters"

I’ve always liked to write and today, I came across something I wrote on March 15, 1998, thirteen years ago!  My boys were 3, 4 (Matthew was almost 5) and 13.  I thought I would share it.  “To make a long story short, I bought a book called “Reality Discipline” – it just sounded good.  Anyway, it turned out to be Bible-based and it has given me some really good practical ideas that have really worked!  It’s amazing actually.  For example, it said that if a child has a temper tantrum to pick him up, put him in a room (a private place) and tell him that when he is done he can join you again.  Well Andrew (3) wasn’t throwing a temper tantrum per say, but he was being very fussy at the table; he didn’t want anything and I was offering him different things and of course, he didn’t want any of it.  All of a sudden I picked him up and took him to the room and told him when he was happy he could come out.  He came out like 15 seconds later announcing he was happy now and he ate.  Another thing that worked was this:  I told Matthew to help Josh pick up the living room by picking up the toys.  He said very matter of factly, that he did not want to.  I said, “OK, Matthew, that’s OK, you just sit down right here while Josh picks up the living room and we’ll give Josh two of your quarters for having to do your job OK?”  His response was, “Oh no, mom, I will pick up the toys; thank you for telling me that…I don’t want to give Joshua my quarters.”  With Josh I’d set up the rule that I take 50 cents away for every chore he forgot.  Right now, it’s just brushing his teeth, practicing his flute, making his bed and leaving no clothes on the floor.  The first week he lost $2.00, but he hasn’t been docked for two weeks!  The hardest part is not reminding him to do something.  One time it was 8:30pm when he remembered he hadn’t practiced his flute.  Anyway, I’m really pleasantly surprised.”

No Further Comment Needed

Amazon deal: One year of Sunset Magazine for $5

I've been reading Sunset Magazine since I was a kid.  As a teenager, I was always wanting to try their recipes, as an adult I loved their gardening and traveling sections which I considered very family-friendly.  So, give yourself (or a friend) a little treat each month, grab this Amazon Gold Box deal: a year of Sunset for $5.

Discount good through 9/25/10.

How Can You Say No To This Face?

Some of our kids are endowed with special powers.  Powers of persuasion, powers of influencing, powers to see solutions where seemingly non-existent, and powers of perseverance against all odds.  These are not necessarily bad things.  They can be very useful as adults and are usually possessed by leaders vs. followers.

 However, since we are their parents, it is up to us to help them learn how and when to use these powers.  The bad thing for us is that we get the brunt of their practicing experience and while we certainly don’t want to squelch these characteristics, we want them to understand that sometimes, the answer is “no” or that “no, we are not going to change our mind” or “yes, we are going to go through with the consequence”.     Given their level of expertise in the area of persuasion and/or the level of passion for their desire, this may be easier said than done.

I am here, however, to tell you to let your no be no.  In my case, it was my youngest son, Andrew, who wanted to see how strong I was and/or how strong he was.  Following through on keeping my word, either about what they could or couldn’t do or about consequences was not something that was easy for me or that came naturally.  On some level I knew it was important to follow through, but I remember waffling frequently until one day, my oldest son, Joshua, made the following statement and following conversation ensued.

“Mom, you must really hate Andrew.”

“What?!!  Why would you say that?!  How could you say that?!”

“Well…you let him get away with murder.  You are creating a monster and no one is going to like him.”

I realized then and there that I needed to pay special attention to what I was doing with Andrew, lest I create a monster.  I saw the big picture and realized he was exactly right and that the way I was behaving was in direct opposition to the goal I had in mind for my son Andrew.  It was all the encouragement I needed and I have never forgotten that.

I have now also realized that the consequences of not following through are huge!  Children of parents who do not keep their word become huge risk takers.  Children are very observant and learn quite quickly that their parent(s) has the tendency to “cave in”.  They are also very good at analyzing data and making projections with that data.  They do this to determine what their chances are of getting away with things.  They soon learn that they have say a 50/50 chance or a 70/30 chance or an 80/20 chance. Pretty smart kids we have….aren’t they?!   

One problem with this is that they learn to take risks and as they grow up, these could be life-endangering risks…..besides….they might get caught or they might not get caught.  These risks could range from speeding, to running red lights, to experimenting with drugs/alcohol/sex, stealing, lying, etc., etc. 

Another problem is these children turn into adults that do not trust people.  Like I said these kids are very smart and they figure out that if they can’t trust their parents, they surely can’t trust anyone else.  I’m sure we can all think of scenarios where not trusting people is not conducive to healthy friendships, relationships, marriage, business partnerships, etc.   Not trusting people also results in not asking for help when help is needed. 

Finally, another result of “giving in” is that they do not learn to obey which equals having no respect for authority, (ranging from God to parents to employers) which in turn produces teenagers and/or adults who struggle with responsibility.  

As if all of the above were not bad enough, there is yet another result which I consider extremely sad.  Sad because children whose parents do not follow-up consistently are not motivated.  They are not motivated to try their best – at home, at school, and/or at work.  Why should they bother, if their parents might or might not notice that their homework got done or that the chores got done? 
If you are looking to raise God-fearing kids, kids who respect their parents and kids who are gainfully employed, so I urge you to think about the results of your actions the next time they wear you down and you feel tempted to give in to their persuasive power.  

SHARING IS CARING

• Become a fan on Facebook
• Check out my Blog for more
• Check out my LoveCup Website for info on classes
• Check out my Blog (Español)
• Check out my Recipes (Bilingual)
• Support My Cause by Shopping @ Laura's Amazon Store 

A Family Mission Statement

What, a family mission statement?!! Companies have mission statements and they understand the power of having a mission statement. Families can have mission statements too! A mission statement will create a powerful bonding between parents and children, between husbands and wives that simply does not exist when there’s no sense of shared vision and values. A clear sense of a shared vision and values enables you to hold each other accountable without conflict. It also enables both you and your children to self-regulate. But most importantly through a family mission statement you can let your children and or spouse know that you are totally committed to them, that you have been from the moment they came into your life and that the bond has never been broken and never will be broken and that nothing can happen that will ever break it. Below are three steps to help you develop your own family mission statement.

Step 1: Explore What Your Family is All About.

What is the purpose of our family?
What kind of family do we want to be?
What kinds of things do we want to do?
What kind of feelings do we want to have in our home?
What kind of relationships do we want to have with one another?
How do we want to treat one another and speak to one another?
What things are truly important to us as a family?
What are our family’s highest priority goals?
What are the unique talents, gifts, abilities of family members?
What are our responsibilities as family members?
What are the principles and guidelines we want our family to follow?
Which families inspire us and why do we admire them?
How can we contribute to society as a family and become more service-oriented?

Ground Rules
• Listen with respect
• Restate accurately to show you understand
• Write down all the ideas

Step 2: Write Your Family Mission Statement
I have listed examples below, however, I think it’s best to try to come up with you own! One suggestion is to:
• Give everyone ten 3x5 cards
• Everyone write ten words on each card, share the cards.
• Now, give everyone ten votes. The ten cards with the most votes win.
• Write a sentence using each word or write a paragraph using all ten words.


Step 3: Use It to Stay on Track
A family mission statement serves as a huge magnet that keeps attracting family members to the route that leads to your destination.

EXAMPLES:
The mission of our family is to create a nurturing place of faith, order, truth, love, happiness and relaxation, and to provide opportunity for each individual to become responsibly independent, and effectively interdependent, in order to serve worthy purposes in society.

If your children are really small, you might want to go with something really simple like:
We do not hurt others.
We do not hurt things.
We do not hurt ourselves.

Our family mission is to:
Value honesty with ourselves and others.
Create an environment where each of us can find support and encouragement in achieving our life’s goals.
Respect and accept each person’s unique personality and talents.
Promote a loving, kind, and happy atmosphere.
Support family endeavors that better society.
Maintain patience through understanding.
Always resolve conflicts with each other rather than harboring anger.
Promote the realization of life’s treasures.

Our family mission:
To love each other…
To help each other…
To believe in each other…
To wisely use our time, talents, and resources to bless other…
To worship together…
Forever.

Our home will be a place where our family, friends, and guests find joy, comfort, peace and happiness. We will seek to create a clean and orderly environment that is livable and comfortable. We will exercise wisdom in what we choose to eat, read, see, and do at home. We want to teach our children to love, learn, laugh, and to work and develop their unique talents.

Our family is happy and has fun together.
We all feel secure and feel a sense of belonging. We support each other fully in our seen and unseen potential. We show unconditional love in our family and inspiration for each other. We are a family where we can continually grow in mental, physical, social/emotional and spiritual ways.
We discuss and discover all aspects of life.
We nurture all life forms and protect the environment.
We are a family that serves each other and the community.
We are a family of cleanliness and order.
We believe that diversity of race and culture is a gift.
We appreciate the grace of God.
We hope to leave a legacy of the strength and importance of families.

Our family mission:
To always be kind, respectful, and supportive of each other,
To be honest and open with each other,
To keep a spiritual feeling in the home,
To love each other unconditionally,
To be responsible to live a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life,
To make this house a place we want to come home to.

Or....you could write a phrase that starts with each letter of your last name, write a poem, or make a piece of art...it could be anything! It's your very own mission statement for your very own family.


Source: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey.

Your Family Tree

My son Andrew's homework tonight was to put together a family tree. It was interesting to me that he is now very motivated to fill in all the blanks. He wants to know who's who. I should explain that my mother comes from a family of 12 which means I have a lot of cousins, who now all have kids, as do I, who are practically grown. My point in sharing this is that I came across a great website that makes it very easy to create a family tree. You can fill in names, add pictures, include emails so other family members can fill in more blanks, etc., etc., etc. Check it out and have fun! http://www.myheritage.com/page/family-tree-template

Girls are like Apples on Trees....

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way
to the top of the tree.
borrowed from megan

The Good Thing Bad Thing…..

A friend and I were talking the other day about how grateful we are for our education and how we don’t take things for granted, but that it is a challenge to make sure our children don’t take things for granted. We shared a couple of memories related to how poor we had grown up. I told her I had recently read something in an old diary of mine I wrote my first night in the college dorm. I wrote, “I only have one dress, but I’m here!” She shared she was one of ten and that her parents basically put her in foster care as a way of feeding her. I told her in college I had met several very wealthy friends and that I noticed some were nice and some were not and that I came to the conclusion that the difference was the nice ones were grateful for what they had.
I have taken this lesson with me and to this day, I believe being grateful is the key to happiness. Her question to me was, “How do you teach gratefulness?” I don’t know if there is a curriculum for teaching gratefulness, but I can tell you what I have done with my boys.
First of all, I have to say that teaching them to be grateful is something I have consciously done from day one. From the time they could almost talk, whenever I gave them something I would follow it with “what do we say?” and they would say “thank you”. We as parents also need to say “thank you”. Sometimes we don’t say thank you to our children for bringing us something we asked them to bring, for example. My question to you is, “if it was a friend who brought you that same item, would you feel the need to say thank you?” I know, sometimes, it feels like overkill, but I would rather err on the side of saying more thank yous, than not enough.
Secondly, I also taught my boys to be grateful for things like having five fingers on each hand, for the ability to feed themselves, for the ability to walk or run, or for the ability to see! These are things we don’t always think about, but boy would your life be different if you were not able to do any one of those things.
Finally, the other thing I taught them to play was “the good thing, bad thing” game. Yes, I made this up! I explained there is a good side and a bad side to everything. If we were stuck in traffic, I would say, “the bad thing is we’re stuck in traffic, what’s the good thing?” I was always amazed with all the different responses we would come up with ranging from: the good thing is we’re all together, to the good thing is we have a car, the good thing is we have air conditioning, and on, and on! If while driving home, I reminded them we needed to get the cleaning done, I would say “the bad thing is we have to clean, what’s the good thing?” Again, we would come up with all kinds of things like, the good thing is we can relax and watch a movie afterwards to we don’t have to scramble if someone comes over to it feels great when everything is clean! One time I remember picking them up from school and saying how tired I was. They then said, “the good thing is you have a job and because you have a job you can buy us what we need and want”. We got so involved in thinking about the good things, I forgot I was tired!
Another time, I remember we went camping and my nephew’s bike was left behind. When we got there, everyone but my nephew had their bike. He was not a happy camper (no pun intended) and he was making sure we all knew how unhappy he was. While walking to the pond, I overheard Andrew, my youngest son, saying “Jacob, you gotta think about the good things. The good thing is we are here! Look at this place! And we get to hang out the whole weekend…it’s easier to think about the bad things, but you can’t forget to think about the good things.” I was sooo…. proud of Andrew.

Be a Great "Manager"...."Train" Your Children

Can you imagine getting a new job and not being trained for your position? Can you imagine not getting trained on how to submit an expense report and it just keeps coming back to you “not approved”? Can you imagine not being trained on how to assemble something and finding out after the whole thing was assembled that this one part needed to be facing the other way for the final piece to be attached?
Think about how you might feel. Would you feel confident about keeping your job? Would be feel good about yourself knowing you did a good job. Probably not. In addition, everything would take much longer, because you would probably need to do it twice.
Sounds outrageous, doesn’t it? And yet, that is what we, parents, do sometimes. I remember setting up chores for my boys and giving Andrew, who was around 5 yrs old then, the chore of emptying all the bathroom trash cans. I remember walking in and seeing that yes, it had been emptied, but there was trash on the floor and no new bag in the basket. I started to call out with a raised voice, “AAAnnndrrewwwww….” When I thought, ‘wait a minute, I didn’t “train” him! The only thing I said was to empty the trash cans – which he had, technically, done. I called him and instead of telling him he didn’t do it right, I told him I had forgotten to train him and explained that emptying the trash cans meant removing the bag, picking up any papers that might have spilled out, and placing a new bag in the container. In other words, I took the time to train him.

We are notorious for assuming that our children know exactly what we mean. Just because they are your children does not mean they have special mind-reading powers. So, when you assign chores, be sure to “train” them for the job by making the expectation very clear. Thinking of it like a job description will help you remember to train them. If you want them to clean their room, explain what you mean by that. If you want them to clear the kitchen counters and you didn’t specify that that included the sink, don’t be surprised to come home to find everything in the sink. If you want them to take a shower, don’t be surprised if they get in, get wet and get out. Try to think about how you might go about training someone for that job if it was at work. Aside from writing a job description, you would show them exactly how to do something and you encourage them to ask questions if they were not clear about something. Do the same with your children.
We all love to please and our children are no exception. Your children will be very happy with themselves when they see how pleased you are with the job they did.
One final thought on this. Your job as a parent, i.e., a manager, also requires that you evaluate how well your children did their job. This responsibility should not be taken lightly, or ignored. In fact, when I set up our chores, I made sure to include under my list of responsibilities...Check to see if the chores got done and evaluate how well they were done. Doing this provides us with the opportunity to instill pride in a job well done. It also provides us with an opportunity to praise them for doing a good job and/or to help them improve and do better next time. It also provides us with an opportunity to make them feel like they are a critical piece of the puzzle and how things run smoothly when everyone does their part. I believe this is one way in which we can help them embrace responsibility.
Please do not ignore or neglect your “managerial” responsibilities. This is a very important responsibility you have as a parent. Everyone likes to be appreciated and we all know how it feels to have a manager (or parent) who only notices what you don’t do and never appreciates a job done well. Let’s be remembered as having been a great “manager”!

The 90/10 Principle

The 90/10 Principle
Author : Stephen Covey ( Management Guru)

Have you read this before? Discover the 90/10 Principle. It will change your life
(at least the way you react to situations). What is this principle?

10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react. What does this mean?

We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%.

How? By your reaction. You cannot control a red light., but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react.

Let's use an example. You are eating breakfast with your family. Your
daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just what happened. What happens when the next will be determined by how you react.You curse. You harshly scold your daughter for
knocking the cup over.

She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave
immediately for work.

You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit. After a 15-minute delay and
throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home, When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your
spouse and daughter.

Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning. Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?

The answer is " D".

You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day. Here is what could have and should have happened.

Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "It's ok honey, you just need, to be more careful next time". Grabbing a towel you rush
upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.

Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both
ended different.

Why? Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction.

Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off)
Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive? Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it.

You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job. The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take out your frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse. Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it.

The 90-10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle.

The result? Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. We all must understand and apply the 90/10 principle.

It WILL change your life!!!

No Whining…..

Whining is a learned behavior. Babies cry when they need something. Toddlers do not have the vocabulary to express their needs/wants/feelings so whining becomes their way of communicating. By the time they can talk, however, children have realized that whining is an effective strategy to get what they want. If parents don’t recognize this, this becomes their way of communicating and can be quite annoying. So, how do we help our children “unlearn” how to whine. I have heard and read of all kinds of tips ranging from establishing “no whining” rules, to giving rewards for not whining, to saying something like “I can’t understand you when you talk with that voice; use your normal voice” to setting up a time for the child to complain. While these sound good, these tips were not enough, it was like dealing with the symptom instead of the problem.
As you may know by now…our children can be our greatest teachers. So, like with everything else, look at yourself first. Are you a whiner? When you trip over your kids’ shoes do you say “you always leave your shoes everywhere!” vs. “I want you to pick up your shoes right now”. If you feel disconnected from your husband do you say “we never go out any more” vs. “I would like you to take me out to dinner”. I think you get the point.
In my opinion, we whine/complain because we have not learned to say what we want. However, the bigger problem might be figuring out what we want. In order to say what you want, you need to first think about what you actually want. Before you start complaining about something, ask yourself “what is it that I really want?” The key here is recognizing that saying what you don’t want or like isn’t allowed. You need to figure out what you want and then say it.
You can help your children do the same thing. The next time they are complaining, say “stop, tell me what you want”. Their answers may surprise you. I remember one time, Andrew was 3 or 4 and was complaining, almost to the point of having a tantrum. I was able to get his attention and say “stop, tell me what you want”. When he answered “a glass of milk”, I couldn’t believe that was all he wanted.
So be on your guard for whining, from children and yourself, and get in the habit of saying, “Ok, what do I want” or “tell me what you want”. By doing this, you will not only eliminate the whining, you will be teaching your child to be part of the solution! A manager’s dream employee would be one who comes to him/her with solutions, right? In addition, you will be teaching your child to focus on the positive rather than on the negative. Don’t focus on what you don’t want, focus on what you want!
If we don’t learn to say what we want, as we get older, our efforts become more sophisticated, with the addition of manipulation techniques to our whining strategy, in an effort to increase our effectiveness in getting what we want. We have all been manipulative and/or have encountered manipulative people and know it’s not a good thing. So, again, I encourage you to do yourself and your child a huge favor and learn to recognize this behavior and change it in yourself and in your children.

Look into their eyes....

One very simple way to fill your child’s love cup……look at them when you talk to them.
I remember when my boys were little, I would always want to be sure they were listening when I told them something. And to do that, I would lightly touch their chin and turn their face toward mine and then say what I wanted to say. If they were too far away from me, I would say “look at me”.
Later as they grew older and they wanted to make sure I was listening, they would do the same thing to me. They would turn my face toward them as they said “mom…”.
Think about what you do with babies – it’s all about eye contact. It’s a major part of how we communicate our love to them. As your children grow older, however, we stop doing that.
When was the last time you looked at your child when they were trying to tell you something. Nobody likes to talk to someone’s back and yet, if you are in the kitchen doing the dishes, that is exactly what you are asking your child to do, same thing when we’re driving. So, be aware of what you are doing when they are talking and remind yourself to look into their eyes. Look at them when they are talking. This one very simple act will fill their love cup.

I Like / I Don't Like

Fill your child’s love cup by finding out what they want. Just taking them to Toys R us and going through the store to find out what kinds of things appeal to them will provide you with insight into them.
I know, I know, it’s just after Christmas and I’m talking about finding out what they want. This does not necessarily mean, however, getting them more toys. I’m just talking about taking the time to find out what they like. When you love someone, you want to find out what they like. You want to know what their favorite food is, what kind of music they like, what kind of movies they like, etc. Have you taken the time recently to find out what your child likes?
With children, we don’t always take the time to find out what they like. I, for one, have three boys and have never been interested in boy toys. If you want to bore me, start telling me what this transformer can do and not do and how this one is from this galaxy and that one is from that galaxy, etc. It is very difficult for me to engage in those types of conversation. One day it occurred to me that I did not have a clue what toys they liked at that point in their life so I decided I would take them to Toys R Us and have them show me what they liked. The first time I did this I was blown away by how happy they were to be looking at everything without being in a rush and how excited they were to be explaining all these things to me.
You can also do this with catalogs. We like to play “I like, I don’t like”. You can do this with any catalog. Just go through and each person say “I like” or “don’t like” for each item in the catalog. It’s fun to decide quickly and it’s fun when you are surprised that someone likes this or that. No need to convince someone about why you like it, you’re not buying it, you’re just saying if you like it or not and…. you’re not even saying you want it, just if you like it or not. We’ve done this with homes catalogs, toy catalogs, furniture catalogs, gardening catalogs, car catalogs, you name it. It also helps your child learn that we don’t all have to like the same thing, we’re different! And that’s OK.
Finding out what they like is another way of “seeking to understand” . And do you know that this is the key to being able to influence our children, or actually anyone. We all want to be understood. If we do not feel understood we are not open to hearing what the other person is saying. On the other hand, if we feel like the other person truly understands, meaning like they tried to put themselves in our shoes, we will be open to hearing what they have to say. Parents always ask how to get their kids to listen to them. Well, the answer as you can see, is to start listening to your kids.